Claim Done!
Quick note: I'm still working on the banner/layout for this, so don't review the layout.
Mayday, please :)
- Quote
- Layout and Summary: I rather like the layout. It's simple, not too dark and not too bright, and matches the banner. The summary is what interested me; I was intrigued by the dialogue and the ultimatum that was given. It reminded me somewhat of dialogue from a slasher film.
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It starts of quickly, with a character on the run from something; it's exciting and sets a fast paced mood - nice work there. There is one thing, however: "If your lungs could scream, he was sure that his would be screaming so loud that hell would hear them." I think that "your" should be "his", or be taken out completely, like "If lungs could scream, he was sure..."
I like how the character is beating himself up, saying that he should've taken more gym classes or exercised more, in his time of peril.
I feel that, after the bit of dialogue, "Cackling erupted out of the darkness..." should start a new paragraph.
I did like that paragraph, though. It sets the eerie mood of the story as well as the setting, but without giving too much information, such as why he's running or who he's running from. I liked the metaphor of the houses' frameworks being skeletons and the personification of the empty windows. It made me picture exactly what this scene would look like as the character ran down the street barefoot; it's very well written.
The next paragraph is well written as well and shows his memory well. This sentence, however, is a bit off. "The part of town he'd chosen to walk was usually considered safe, somewhere that you didn't have to worry about your children getting abducted." After safe there should be a semicolon, not a comma, and after that is a bit awkwardly phrased. It's not too bad, though, and still gets the message across.
The next paragraphs are great; they engross the reader in what happened to the man and almost forget that he's running and simply remembering these events.
The capture moves quickly and so does the dialogue between the man and his captor. As he begins to run, we're brought back to the beginning of the story; he scolds himself for not exercising and he's running from the laughter yet again in the suburban setting.
As he grows closer to the field, I can tell that you're setting up for a quick turn of events. The save haven, the field, was snatched from him so quickly; he was ten meters from it and then ran out of time. I thought he was a goner.
His determination to live saved his life; I liked that character trait. It was necessary in this story and was a great trait for the main character.
Overall
I liked this a lot. It had few grammar mistakes and was a well written, fast paced work. Great job!
Quick note: I'm still working on the banner/layout for this, so don't review the layout.
July 10th, 2011 at 11:27pm