The Last Days Of My Life

So as I'm sitting here watching House on TV and downloading some songs off iTunes, I decided to delete all my old journals and start new. I guess I'll just tell the story that has changed my life over the past few weeks.

I like to party and it's a secret I don't keep. Then again, I don't tell everyone how trashed I was and such. (On here is a different story becuase I know that the people who comment this aren't gonna be haters about the whole situation.) I tell "friends" I partied, but I tell true friends what happened. Usually because we have to share our few memories to try and piece events from the night together.

And it's no surprise that I really like boys when I'm drunk. I'm a huggy drunk too. So I love to give hugs. Well, if you read my letter, then you know my situation. Basically, I went over a friend's house and stayed with him. Got messed up, and was quite the embarassment. Anyway, my friend has a stepbrother. Who is twenty one. Let's just say hugs led to one thing which led to another. Anyway, I woke up the next morning, still drunk, on a pull out couch next to some guy without any pants. Needless to say, I was a bit confused. It took me about five minutes to remember what happened. When I did, I was still too drunk to even care at that point. I had to drive to church in the next thirty minutes so I was just worried about if I could get home okay.

Well alot of people at school found out and everything just went downhill from there. I had two people who I considered good friends tell me that I was going to get pregnant because this guy really didn't wear a condom, he just tricked me. What kind of people tell their "friends" that. The bad thing is, since I couldn't remember so much at the time, I thought these people were right. And they had me convinced I was pregnant. Now, I know that's stupid of me to believe them, but I know guys will do that kind of thing sometimes.

And that's when I realized that people have to experience something for them to realize why people take certain sides on issues. For example, until this whole incident, I was against abortion completely. But I was so paranoid that I was pregnant, if I had ended up pregnant, I would be more than willing to do whatever takes to not have a kid. Even if it was throwing myself down a flight of stairs. Actually, no, I wouldn't throw myself down the stairs. But I would've done something about it. My point is, you just don't fully understand both sides of certain things until you're in someone else shoes. Now I understand why people would get an abortion; because it was a mistake. It's as simple as that.

Anyway, on top of everything else, my parents are fighting more than ever. It's all they do anymore. They used to fight early in the morning before he left for work and they thought I was still asleep. But I wasn't, I've been awake listening to them for the longest time. And now, my dad is threatning to kick us out. I don't know what to do. Technically, he can't kick me out since I'm still a minor, but my mom told me that if she got kicked out I would have to stay because daddy would have to feed me and all still. But if my mom gets kicked out, she'll be living in the back of her car for a while. Then I don't know what I'll do. I can't stand my dad like this. We think he's addicted to his pain medication, and he's really acting like it too.

With the stress of them fighting, I only go out to get drunk or high these days. I go out looking for a party with alcohol, pot, and guys who are just as wasted as me. It feels like it's the only way I can deal with the pain of everything else. My parents don't know that I do all of this, which I don't understand how because they found a cooler in my car and believed me when I said I didn't take it for me. But when I party, I forget my problems and I'm just happy. And when I'm with party friends, even if we aren't partying, I'm more happy then ever. I finally laugh for real when I'm around them. And they know what's going on at home, and they try and help anyway they can. It seems useless though. More than anything, I feel like the end is near for me. I just hope it isn't because of me.

And seeing them fight just convinces me of something else I've been thinking about for a while now. I'm starting to think love doesn't exist, not for me anyway. I've been thinking about my family, and none of them stayed married for long. My parents are still together, but obviously I don't see that happening for much longer. But my grandparents, aunts, uncles, everyone hasn't stayed married forever. I just don't think I'm meant to fall in love. I mean, guys don't show interest in me in the first place, so why would love exist for me. I told myself I wanted to live long enough to fall in love, but I don't think that's going to happen. Maybe if I just give up, I'll feel better. When I finally come to terms that love isn't going to happen to me, I'll be fine. It still hurts to know I'll never be happy, but one day I'll overcome that feeling, and I can just be at peace.

Maybe.