So, I Wrote a Letter To My Dad...

And he actually responded fairly nicely and sounded sincere in his apology. I haven't heard from my dad in almost six months. I went over to his house on June 14 and he hadn't called or e-mailed me since. I was originally waiting for the 6 month mark. I figured after he goes 6 months without calling me I can be really pissed. Of course, I already have plenty of reasons to hate him (see last journal). So, I finally snapped when he didn't call me on Thanksgiving. I was so anxious the whole day I just wanted to go home and see if he called. He didn't and I actually cried. I love wallowing in my own sadness and a lot of times I force myself to cry, but I hate crying when I don't want to cry. Then the sadness turned to anger and I wrote the following:

Dad,
What is wrong with you? You can't even call your daughter on Thanksgiving! You do realize the last time I heard from you was when I came to see you on June 14. It's been almost 6 months. What the hell. By now I've grown to expect this of you, but still you're my father and sadly I am always going to expect something from you. I wish I could just come to terms with how you are. You're never going to change and I know this. Yet still I find this eating me up and I feel like maybe the only way I can accept the way you are is if I actually talk to you about it. At the same time I know I am pretty much incapable of confronting you. I'll be surprised if I actually send this e-mail. I freeze up and change my mind every time I want to discuss the way you treat me. At the same time I want to scream and yell and curse because I think you deserve that. You were never a father to me. Even when I come see you now you never spend time with me. Of course for a while now I haven't wanted to spend much time Whit you. Ever since I found out how you really are. I was in 4th or 5th grade. I was so excited that I made it into All District Choir. You said you would come.... You didn't. Of course the majority of times I invite you to things, you don't show up, but you know what I never thought much of it until then. That day I just snapped I cried and I yelled and I ran through to my mom and Andy all the times you've disappointed me. All the broken promises. It was that day I discovered who you truly were. Before that I thought you were okay. When I was little I thought you were the best, I was always so happy when you would show up to school events and stuff. Even though I was aware you would say many things and not follow through I guess I didn't really care; I was somewhat indifferent. I didn't allow you to upset me. I was still fairly naive about the whole situation. But ever since that day I've been letting you get to me too much. I realize how much of a disappointment you truly are. Over the last year especially you've been upsetting me quite a lot before our maybe monthly visits have become twice a year with little to no communication at all in between. I hope that once I explain all this to you I won't care to see you anymore, but I of course still want to see my siblings. Anyway, I just want to say that you are a disappointment and you have never been a good father to me. Do you even know my friend's names? Or my favorite color? How about what grade I'm in; that's something you tend to forget. On this Thanksgiving Day I am so very grateful to have a mother like mine and a father like Andy. I know they will always be there for me. And they have really given me a great life. I honestly don't know what I would do without them... I hope you had a very happy Thanksgiving. And I hope all is well at your home. I, of course, wouldn't know... Say hello to everyone for me.

Sincerely, your daughter,
Kayla

PS: This does not even to begin to explain everything you've done to hurt me. Also please call or e-mail me back so I know you received this message.

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Wow, It seems like a lot when I copy it on to here... Anyway, in some parts I was fairly mean ( the beginning and the end). I could have been much worse, though. I want to scream at him and call him all sorts of names and I don't know... Up until now, I've been afraid to confront him. I think it's an ingrained fear from seeing him abuse my siblings. But I sent it and it felt good to let it out. I don't expect him to change, but maybe I can learn to accept him for who he is.

He wrote back to me the same day. I was surprised. I thought he would ignore the e-mail like he ignored my previous phone call before I sent it. I'm not quite sure what to think of his response. He sounds so sincere, but I know he is just very good at manipulating. He could just be saying this to make me happy for the moment.

I mean, last time I saw him he apologized for not calling more often, then he doesn't call for six months. I think parts of what he wrote were sincere, I just don't know. And even if he is sincere he won't change... Ugh... I am so confused right now and I don't know what to think. I hope we get a chance to talk about it more maybe work out some of our issues.

My mom's afraid I'm just setting myself up to be hurt again. I'm afraid she's right. So, I don't know what to do anymore. The letter made me feel a little better, but it didn't solve everything completely. Does anybody have any suggestions?