"What? You don't date black girls?"

I'm a Junior, and it just hit me that I'll be graduating quite soon. Kinda shocking, actually.

Now, I really don't know why, but I've been focusing on guys more than I have on school. Which I really shouldn't be doing (SAT's/ACT's, College searching, upping grades, studying). I don't know, it's really bothering me - like, I feel I'm in desperate need to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend (though, lately, I've been leaning more towards boys, but only because I don't know any real bi/ lesbian girls in town).

And it's not like I want a boyfriend just so I can claim him as "boyfriend", it's much deeper than that.

I want someone that I can tell my problems too, someone to help me out/ fix things, give me a bit of direction in my mundane, yet chaotic life. Someone that will be there for me physically as well as emotionally. Someone that likes me for me and isn't just looking for some chick to "hook up with" for the time being.

I want someone with goals and dreams that aren't the "sky's limit" but even further than that. Someone who wants to better themself as well as others.

Where the hell is this person(s)?!

I do not believe in fate, whatsoever, or only one person being perfect for you, but damn. Honestly, how long will it take for me to find a person like that?

And then that just seems to fuck with my self-esteem, which is already creeping downhill. I see the skinny people and wonder, "Why can't I have smaller thighs like that?" "Why can't my tummy be a bit flatter?"

I see the people that aren't as widely attractive to the general population and their all happy with their boyfriends/girlfriends and I wonder, "What's wrong with me? Am I that ugly that no one would want to be with me? I'm pretty thin, I've got an okay face. So, what's wrong with me?"

And then the guys I do like, well, *scoff*, I beat myself up when I tell them that I like them but they only see me as "friend material".

Most of the guys/girls I'm attracted to just happen to be white, not because I'm "racist to my own race", but because I like certain looks/music/style and white peopel just so happen to fit it (that sounded a lot better in my head, but I really can't explain it).

And then I wonder if its because I'm black?

Then I say, "Oh no, that's silly".

But is it?


This is the basis of my frustration. And it bothers me to no end.


Comments are nice, but this is just a rant.
A sad, pathetic, rant. I promise to not do it again.