I'm Missing This...

So I was listening to You’re gonna miss this by Trace Adkins right? And just like all of my other annoying flaws, I have this really bad habit of over thinking things and taking things not as lightly as I should. But this time, it was so much more different. When I listen to music, I don’t just say “this is a cool song!”, the lyrics have to mean something to me, they have to leave me something to think about for days on end. If they don’t, and it’s just a bunch of BS put together by musician wannabe’s then I’ll bash the song like a theft taking an old lady’s purse.

I just hate songs like that. Like Hypnotize by Plies ft. Akon. It has no real meaning, it’s just about fucking a hot girl stupid right? But what about So Small by Carrie Underwood or Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park? Those songs, they mean something, they have value to me, because the lyrics hold a meaning some people just overlook as they listen to the guitar solos and drumming. But I don’t listen to the music, just the lyrics, because if you can understand the lyrics of a song, then you can understand the musician. It’s as simple as that.

So anyways, as I was listening to You’re gonna miss this, I started to cry. Now don’t get me wrong, I have thought about how close my childhood is to ending, but this song made me take on the full force. I realized that I was going to becoming an adult soon, in 4 years anyways. It’s so close. And I’m terrified, I’m scared beyond belief. How is my life going to work out? Will I be able to get a job? Or live in an ally way with a hat as my only companion? Will I even be able to go to college? Or will I just fuck myself up the ass by being an idiot once more and blow my only chance?

What about a family? If I become a mom, will I be able to handle it? How would my kids turn out? I know I can’t get the answers to all of these questions, some of them will come to me in some way and some in others. And worse than that, I’m realizing my life is flying by faster than I can live it. I can tell now just how much I’m taking school and everything I have for granted. And I can already see myself in college, aching to go back to those simpler days, where all I needed was my Powerpuff Girl lunchbox and a smile. I can see myself reminiscing on those days at the lunch table, laughing at something my crush said and being bashful when it came to someone complimenting me. I’m going to miss this.

I’m going to miss how I would spend my whole math class drawing in my journal and writing, ignoring what the teacher said.

I’m going to miss how I would beg my mom to buy me that book or thank her for the dinner she made.

I’m going to miss hanging out with my friends in the mornings before school, giggling at some boy that passed by.

I’m going to miss fighting with my brother over who got shot gun and who was stuck in the back seat.

I’m going to miss all of it, every single thing that made my childhood. My first love, my first boyfriend, all of it.

And I’m going to want it like the plants need rain, I’m going to want it like how the river wants to flow, how the mountains want to stand tall above us. I’m going to want it so bad it’ll burn me. But I know I’ll live, that I’ll move on. And I know I’m going to wish that it hadn’t gone by faster than lightening and remember how when I was younger, that I wanted it to pass that fast. Because I didn’t realize back then just how great childhood was. It’s one of the many highlights in life, the one thing worth remembering but afraid to.

The worst part of it was that, one day, I realized that with each minute, each second and millisecond within that minute, that I was getting closer and closer to saying goodbye…and what had I done with my life up until now? I’ll tell you. Not much. I kept envisioning myself my grandmother’s age and telling my grandkids stories of my childhood and then as I watched them rush away to play on the swings or something, that they still don’t know and that they’ll never know until it’s too late. That’s the other thing about us humans, we’re very slow when it comes to realizing something. Even people as quick as a whip are slow at things like this, don’t let them tell you otherwise.
Because in the end, we’re all going to go on our own time. Maybe as fast as are lives flew or as slow as we wish they were. But one day, with each step, we get closer to becoming old, to becoming forgotten. And it scares me...Because I've always wondered what would happen to me. Would it just be a darkness, something that wraps itself over my senses and just lets me sit there forever? Or do I just fade away, like some dead bug, where I go into an infinite white and am gone forever? No trace at all, just a tombstone and a bouquet of flowers. I'm afraid I guess, that there isn't going to be a heaven that I can go to or a hell where I can rot, that I’ll just be in the in between, within limbo...forever. Or like a robot, where you just flick my switch and I'm done. Lives are like light switches you guys, the darkness comes as fast the light leaves. And it terrifies me because the older we get, the faster time goes.

Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and be an old lady in a retirement home and reminiscence on what decisions I made or how I really liked my life. I'm just afraid I guess...but I'm going to be strong and pull through. I want to have faith, I NEED to have faith...And even though I've never regretted any decisions, I've decided not to regret the outside either. I'm not regret the world, I'm going to live in it and I'm going to die with a crooked smile on my lips, face glowing with happiness. And I hope you do too.

There isn't really much left for me to say, except that I hope you all are alright and that you’ll think of what I said…

I actually want you to do something for me. For all of you reading this right now, I need you to sit on the center of your bed (or the floor if you prefer) and just close your eyes and breath deeply, in and out. Make sure it’s pure silence within your room and only focus on breathing…

And when you’re done, I need you to then look around your room at all the things you see. The bed, the dresser, the posters, all of it and remember when you got all these things and hopefully, you will truly realize just how much time has passed since then, how much time you might have wasted thinking about the material things. And if you want to, go out into your living room (or whatever place where the fam hangs) and think that way into the future, that it won’t be like this. Dad won’t be sitting on the recliner, watching Sunday football and mom won’t be on her computer, working day in and out. Your siblings won’t be wherever they are doing whatever they’re doing. It’ll be completely different and in that moment, I hope you realize only that one precious second, that one precious minute or hour or day, belongs fully and completely to your childhood.


I hope this made you think a little bit. Haha! : -J

Lots of Love always,

Art H.