Adolescent suicide.
I won't ramble - I hate ramblings.
I don't even know what's that something gnawing at my insides and making me post this. I don't like these things. No one should read my journal entries. But I guess this is different. Because, for a change, I really do want to have a shitload of strange people taking a peek into my personal life. Don't you think that it's a bit against the laws of nature to feel more relaxed talking about these things with a bunch of strangers than with real people who know and supposedly love you?
I'm sick of keeping my mouth shut. I've heard too many suicide and cutting sob-stories that I lost count slowly. Now I just watch and pretty much don't give a flying fuck anymore. I don't know any of those people, I knew one and I let her slip away.
They keep telling me, that little people who actually know, that I can't keep blaming myself for what happened to her. That it wasn't my fault. That no one could have saved her from the hole she had dug underneath her herself. That she was a fuck up who managed to mask it.
God, I have no idea what's stopping me from screaming at them and swearing my gut out at their ignorant faces. She was your daughter for fuck's sake.
She lived in fucking NJ, where a better part of my family now lives. I visited from Europe. Met her, fell in love with her brother. Then discovered what an amazing friend she was. Fell out of love with her brother and fell in love with our friendship. I got to see her for only a month every year and we never drifted apart, ever.
She seemed so happy; sometimes tears would cross her path, but even then she'd still know how to muster a genuine smile. My ramblings, of this sort, she'd listen to because I would be forced into telling her.
She'd frown and I'd stare at the maul above her right eyebrow as it would wrinkle. We'd both burst into laughter and our confessions would start. A whole year was supposed to be told about. Every heartbreak, gossip and cute buns were supposed to be talked over. She was crying with me the night I told her about the shipwreck of my first serious relationship. I was smiling with her when she had told me about her latest crush and how her dad promised to take him down with a shotgun for having a pierced nose.
Then one night it all stopped abruptly.
I can't remember exactly.
Her brother called - yes, Jase called, choking on his own words.
I ran down the street and stormed up the stairs to their apartment.
He was a fucking sobbing wreck and sirens were howling outside.
The in-between I can't remember.
Her body was carried out on a stretcher and I blacked out.
Fuck you, Kat, fuck you for bailing on me like that.
I read her e-mail days later, as I returned home, or no, I think I was still there, but never mind. I read it too late. I couldn't believe...
She thought taking a fistful of her mother's Xanax was going to save her if she gulped them down with the liquor we bought together to sip on it at our midnight ramblings.
Just fuck you, Kat.
So yes, kiddies, let's talk suicide, it fucking hurts.
It stops hurting for you and starts hurting others.
It's a goddamn chain reaction.
You die.
And then your loved ones die of grief.
Fucking fuck off, Kat.
I love you.
I don't even know what's that something gnawing at my insides and making me post this. I don't like these things. No one should read my journal entries. But I guess this is different. Because, for a change, I really do want to have a shitload of strange people taking a peek into my personal life. Don't you think that it's a bit against the laws of nature to feel more relaxed talking about these things with a bunch of strangers than with real people who know and supposedly love you?
I'm sick of keeping my mouth shut. I've heard too many suicide and cutting sob-stories that I lost count slowly. Now I just watch and pretty much don't give a flying fuck anymore. I don't know any of those people, I knew one and I let her slip away.
They keep telling me, that little people who actually know, that I can't keep blaming myself for what happened to her. That it wasn't my fault. That no one could have saved her from the hole she had dug underneath her herself. That she was a fuck up who managed to mask it.
God, I have no idea what's stopping me from screaming at them and swearing my gut out at their ignorant faces. She was your daughter for fuck's sake.
She lived in fucking NJ, where a better part of my family now lives. I visited from Europe. Met her, fell in love with her brother. Then discovered what an amazing friend she was. Fell out of love with her brother and fell in love with our friendship. I got to see her for only a month every year and we never drifted apart, ever.
She seemed so happy; sometimes tears would cross her path, but even then she'd still know how to muster a genuine smile. My ramblings, of this sort, she'd listen to because I would be forced into telling her.
She'd frown and I'd stare at the maul above her right eyebrow as it would wrinkle. We'd both burst into laughter and our confessions would start. A whole year was supposed to be told about. Every heartbreak, gossip and cute buns were supposed to be talked over. She was crying with me the night I told her about the shipwreck of my first serious relationship. I was smiling with her when she had told me about her latest crush and how her dad promised to take him down with a shotgun for having a pierced nose.
Then one night it all stopped abruptly.
I can't remember exactly.
Her brother called - yes, Jase called, choking on his own words.
I ran down the street and stormed up the stairs to their apartment.
He was a fucking sobbing wreck and sirens were howling outside.
The in-between I can't remember.
Her body was carried out on a stretcher and I blacked out.
Fuck you, Kat, fuck you for bailing on me like that.
I read her e-mail days later, as I returned home, or no, I think I was still there, but never mind. I read it too late. I couldn't believe...
She thought taking a fistful of her mother's Xanax was going to save her if she gulped them down with the liquor we bought together to sip on it at our midnight ramblings.
Just fuck you, Kat.
So yes, kiddies, let's talk suicide, it fucking hurts.
It stops hurting for you and starts hurting others.
It's a goddamn chain reaction.
You die.
And then your loved ones die of grief.
Fucking fuck off, Kat.
I love you.
Posted on May 5th, 2007 at 11:34pm
That seriously made me cry.
Even when you are RAMBLING you are an amazing writer. God!
Suicide has never really hit me like that. I've been suicidal [god I'm not anymore]. But the only reason I was suicidal was because there was only one thing left in my life that i was living for, and when that one thing was taken away? I didn't know how to deal. I still don't know how to deal. But I'm not suicidal anymore. One certain person came into my life and now I couldn't stand to leave her.
But no one close to me has actually killed him/herself. I don't think I would be able to cope if they did. It was bad enough when my best friend Drew died, and it wasn't even a suicide. If one of my best friend decided to kill themselves, me being the masochistic girl I am would blame myself for being a sucky friend.
So I just hope no one that close to me decides they are going to end my life...
jessie..., July 3rd, 2008 at 10:11:19pm
I had a friend kill themself too. It was really sad and I don't think I'll ever get over it especially his funeral. It was terrible.
I'm sorry that had to happen to you too.
Ziggy Stardust, June 27th, 2008 at 03:17:31am
Aw that made me cry. ='( Suicide sucks sh*t. I know how it feels, honestly. ='(
Mizz.Loser, April 15th, 2008 at 01:51:41am
I have this quote...
'Before you commit suicide... ask yourself first who might be going in after you.'
I'll be honest and say I've never lost anyone close by suicide, but I've experienced that feeling. About wanting to kill myself because it's just so friggin' pointless. One time I actually gave long, personal messages to everyone I knew (my regrets, my thankfulness, reminiscing, etc.) because I really thought I was going to do it then. The morning after we all laughed about it - they asked me what got into me to become so sentimental... they don't know how close I was. The only things that stopped me was the thought of going to hell, and letting MCR down. I was planning pills and booze too. So, yeah. I genuinely feel sad.
:(
The Way, May 31st, 2007 at 11:08:35am
Helena, it's always good to know someone cares. :hug:
I'd do everything to have people who are important to me
smile every second of every day.
And I love you too. I didn't expect to meet someone this good
in our school. x] So you were a nice surprise. :)
Bastard Son., May 6th, 2007 at 02:52:08pm
"I find it so much easier to tell all these people on the internet my life story. Talking to people in real life is so difficult, they know you. You have to face them every day, and telling them all your dark and twisted secrets is so scary."
~ Exactly.
And, Sara, I really couldn't agree more. Everything you said was so painfully correct. I can only hope that suicide soon won't be 'in' anymore.
I am sorry for your loss. God, I can't even imagine how it felt. I know you don't need my condolence, but I'm there for you. After all those times you made me smile, when I didn't think I had the strength to smile, I want to thank you and let you know how much I love you. ::hug:
I wish you luck! :}
helen, May 6th, 2007 at 01:47:23pm
Thank you people.
I posted this because too many kids on here ramble about suicide.
No one should have to want to take their life because that's not the way
out and it's only hurting others. Reason and consequence, people,
one thing leads to another. One death leads to another.
Bastard Son., May 6th, 2007 at 09:43:02am
-hug-
Sara, I didn't know it was that bad. I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you needed to talk. f*ck, just...Just remember that you CAN talk to me, kid. I'll listen, f*ck, I'll give you sh*tty advice if you want. Remember that I love you and I f*cking hate seeing you like this.
princess., May 6th, 2007 at 02:37:28am
:(
Best Selling Freedom, May 6th, 2007 at 12:52:27am
Im so sorry about your friend. Im really really sorry and I kinda understand though I cant get in ur situation properly and ofcourse I cant feel the exact pain you felt but I understand feeling angry at the person you lost for leaving you. But not exactly angry either. Its the empty feeling that you didnt see it coming or something. Well Ill stop with my rambling since you hate them
Im so sorry again
Mrs.Brightside, May 6th, 2007 at 12:24:36am
I'm so sorry. My brother's friend hanged himself a few years ago and even though I didn't know him very well, it was a huge shock for me.
Suicide is not the way out.
fallenleaves, May 5th, 2007 at 11:51:04pm
I find it so much easier to tell all these people on the internet my life story. Talking to people in real life is so difficult, they know you. You have to face them every day, and telling them all your dark and twisted secrets is so scary. Only very few people in my real life know about the darker parts (well, those that weren't obvious) of my life, and I plan to keep it that way.
I'm so sorry to hear about this. Suicide is f*cking painful, for everyone. Recently, my friend told me of how she was planning her suicide three years ago, and it scared me so much. The pain doesn't just affect the person who kills themself, but their loved ones. It ruins the lives of so many people, but so do a lot of things. Self destruction is a f*cking painful thing.
the ketchup punch, May 5th, 2007 at 11:46:17pm