broken. we're all broken.

school. home. track. everything.
i can't take it anymore! i really can't.
why! why does everyone think that i'm perfect! why do they always think that i should be perfect! i'm not perfect! i'm not.
you know sometimes i wish someone would just take me away! it's so hard.
my parents always at my back telling me that i'm not doing good enough. my friends always telling me that i never have time for them.
i get told that i'm a loser because i don't have time for anything and because they're always bored. or whatever! that's crap! i can't be everything for everybody! don't you understand!
i'm not a superman! i'm not amazing! as a matter of fact, i don't think it would make a difference if i wasn't anything at all! because right now, that's what people think of me! that i'm nothing but a fish in the sea. there's always someone there to replace me.
how? why? how is there someone to replace me! am i really that much of a nothing? am i really that easy to replace?
gee thanks guys! so are you telling me that if i died right now it wouldn't matter? cuz that's the way i see it. no i'm not suicidal. i'm fed up. all this crap that i take from people. at school. at home. at track practice. everywhere.
and ya know what? nobody sees that i'm trying! i'm trying so hard! but it's impossible to please everybody! gah! all i ever expect from people is effort. seriously. when harmony told me that she couldn't beat me i told her to try. even if she didn't beat me i wanted her to try. that's it. and she beat me. i was so proud of her! see i don't ask people to accomplish anything. i ask them to try. because i'd rather watch someone try and fail than not try at all. so why do people expect me to succeed? i'm trying! isn't that all i ever ask of you?
i can't get straight a's all the time! why is that what people expect? why oh why? i can't do it!
sure maybe over the past few years i have. i will admit i usually had a's until this year. but this year i'm taking an ap class, pre-calculus, honors language arts, chemistry and spanish 2! i'm only a sophomore! most people don't take those classes until at least junior year.
wanna know why i took those classes? huh? i did it for you! yes you mom and you dad! i tried to make you happy! but what do i get? i get yelled at for having a c! a c! that's average! and sometimes that's all i wanna be! average! because i never got to be the average kid! i was always doing homework or playing sports! and that's not a bad thing but average kids go to the movies with their friends. average kids go out on dates. average kids sleep in on saturdays. average kids are not bad people and average kids don't get yelled at for having c's!
why? just this one time why can't i be that kid? why? you always tell me that i won't be good enough to get into college and that everything is a competition now. but do you realize that i'm competing! do you? do you realize that you're the reason that i never think i'm good enough? do you?
i never ever think i'm good enough! because you always tell me i'm not! it's never great job! it's always you can do better. but would it kill you to tell me that i did good? would it kill you to say great race! would it kill you to just stop trying to make me the perfect one! stop trying to change me!
one question: do i ever try to change you?
no i don't. i may not agree with you but i don't try to change you. so why is that all you ever do? why! why can't i wear jeans and a t-shirt! why do i have to wear skirts? why do i have to wear earrings? you guys are such hypocrites! and you know it! you're always telling me that girls that wear miniskirts and super short dresses and stuff like that shouldn't be allowed to come to school dressed that way. that their parents shouldn't let them wear that. so why are you trying to make me that way! why are you trying to turn me into something you despise? do you wanna hate me? is that it?
why are you trying to turn me into something i don't wanna be? if i wanted to be that way, i would be. think about it.
and ya know what, maybe i don't wanna go to college! i know shocking right! that's ok right? i mean neither of you finished college which to me is the same as not going. because if you're gonna go why not finish? so if i drop out of college that's ok right? i mean i'm just doing what you did.
i understand that you "just want what's best for me" but to me it seems that you just want me to be better than you were. you want me to live the life that you guys never did. but i don't want that life! do you wanna know what i want! i want you guys to trust me and not always think i'm lying. i want to go to college and get a degree in whatever i want not whatever you want. i want to you guys to stop yelling at me every time you look at my grades and i have a c. because in reality it's my future that i'm screwing up not yours! and i know that i screw up sometimes. those screw-ups are called mistakes. and i learn from them. i truly do. and i don't need you to point them out every single time i make them. because i see them clearly enough without you guys shoving them in my face. and you know you do. maybe not directly but when you tell mimi and other people, i just get lectured by them too. i hate picking up the phone and hearing: hope elizabeth why are you getting a b+ in english class?
??? umm... hello to you too!
i know i don't run enough to be a good runner. i know i don't write enough to be a good writer. i know i don't take enough pics to be a good photographer. i know that. you may think i don't but i do.
and since i do, i don't need to be told. i already know.
now i'm off topic but i guess all i really wanted to say was that, no offense, but it's my life. it is. and honestly i can do whatever i want with it. you may influence my decisions but i decide in the end. so go ahead. take away my phone and my laptop and my everything. those things truly aren't my life. if they were i would have serious issues.
but me. i am my own person. and i have my own life. you have your own life. and they are not the same. so if you're trying to make me into everything that you guys never were, it's not working. sorry.

-hope (ona rope)