Dear Vodka, Don`t Fail Me.

This is how my life is going into a spiraling collapse, and I know I`m breaking so many promises by letting this happen and by doing this journal. 1. I promised myself never to fall hard enough for a boy. 2. I promised myself never to contort into something for anybody else but me. 3. I promised him that I wouldn`t write anything `bout this. Too bad.

Basically. 1. I fell. Hard. && I wish I never did, but I could never see myself with anyone but. 2. I`ve changed a teeny bit in my eyes, and I want diffrent things since him. 3. I`m writing this journal right now. I`m sorry.

If you`re just going to tell me to suck it up && move on. Get out, put up or shut up.

March 1st, 2009 -- the day my light turned to darkness. He left me; told me we could still be the best of friends. But it hurts. We were talking, it was great, until I got to thinking what I am really loosing. My boyfriend, my fiancee. My heart, my world. My light, my emotion. Exact words: I`m setting you free.

Hun, you say you love me more than anyone && that I`m your everything, then why do you care if you hurt people to keep me happy, when I never even asked you to hurt them in the first place? It seems like you`re blaming me for things you chose to do. I never intended or implied anything with my words. You`ve always been free to make your own decisions.

You don`t have to tell me things that aren`t true when its so clear that you "fell out of love in the past month" --- or maybe I`m just looking at this in a too-detailed manner. If so, I am sorry if that Myspace Bulletin answer really meant nothing. You know I`ve loved you more than anyone I`ve ever before, and i still feel the same now. If you found another girl, I want no lies. I want the truth, and that`s all I`ve ever asked from you.

I am in a sense okay with being your Best Friend, It`s just that after this fall, I don`t think I could love anyone else; not even Migo, even if he is clearly desprate for me to come to my senses to forget you and come to him. I can`t, I refuse. I`m very passionate `bout everything I do && most importantly, `bout you and I. All your "flaws" aren`t flaws, they`re quirks that I`ve learned to love over the past 7 months. You`re perfect to me, even if you think I`m lying.

My heart is still yours. So I`m here to wait for you.

Basically, you should already know what happened. But I`m here to explain to you, my readers, what happened after.

Since I promised him I wouldn`t kill myself, I turned to the second thing that would make me feel better. You know? To just drown all the pain away. And I managed to do that, though the effects are only for about a few minutes, with Vodka.

I even brought some to school after finding out I couldn`t answer tests properly when I`m down. My classmate --- bea, who`s a total tattle tale bitch --- found out that I spiked my juice with the damn Vodka Kurant (sp?). I might even get expelled if she would turn into the bitch she is. I was practically loopy the whole day. Amanda said I was pretty hyper too. I don`t remember, but whatever.

I`ve been doing that everyday for the past... 5 days we haven`t been together. Hopefully, my parents won`t find out that their 14 year old has been drinking like a drunk even if all the contents of the bottle is empty already.

Earlier this morning, I partially woke up with some kind of pain in my stomach. I would assume it was 2am in the morning when I rushed into the Bathroom and puked what seems to be my so-called-dinner. My eyes were red, but I wasn`t crying. && I have no idea why. I was sickly at school too, and I barely smiled when I was sober. Everyone knows how I want everyone to be happy, even myself. Hence, Vodka, please don`t fail me.

xoxo,
Cine ♥
ps. I`m sorry for the journal, Gabe. I promised not to, but I couldn`t.