[58] Jealousy.
Emily,
I'm too scared to tell you this to your face, or over aim, so I want you to read it...
I'm jealous.
I'm so jealous of every single person you hang out with besides me...
Honestly, especially Carrie.
She dropped you like a hot potato, and I was there for you the whole time, now, all of a sudden you're friends with her again?
I'm so jealous and I feel so bad about it... I don't know why I'm jealous, I just am.
I love you, Emily. I trust you more than I trust anybody, and every time I see you with someone else, I just want to hurt them.
I feel so horrible.
I'm a horrible person for feeling like this, and I don't want to be jealous, I really don't.
I wish it could be like the time when I was really the only person you hung out with, but you deserve better than that. You're such a good person, and you deserve much better than me. I'm selfish and greedy, wanting your friendship all to myself.
God, please don't hate me for this, I just want to tell you how I feel, get this off my chest. At this point, I don't care if you get mad at me for this, or think that I'm clingy (which I've realized that I am), I just want to get this out, to tell you!
I need this weight off my shoulders!
I realize that your life would be terrible if you had only one friend, but, really, you're the only person that I consider a real friend and I wish that you would feel the same way.
Quinn, I really spend time with her just to see Cole, and that's terrible. But she's grown annoying and tiring. She's nowhere NEAR as important to me as you are.
I mean, I've already decided that, if we're still friends when I'm 18, I'm gonna get your name tattooed on me, on my chest. On my chest because you're so close to my heart.
I need you to realize that I want you to have more friends than just me, but I hate the thought of it...
I'm selfish for thinking this way, I realize that, and, again, I feel horrible for feeling this way, but, really, you saved my life Emily. You, quite literally , saved my life.
And you still are saving my life. Every day I have at least one thought of hurting myself, or trying to kill myself again, but I shake it off simply so I can see you again.
But, I haven't seen you in, what, a month? If it's not your family, it's babysitting, or hanging out with other friends...
I'm getting so depressed again, and you're the most effective antidepressant in my life. Screw Zoloft, screw Abilify. But, if I never see you, how is this supposed to get better?
I feel terrible for being jealous, but I just am. I'm jealous of your family and I'm jealous of your other friends.
If you read all the way through this, thank you. I love you, and I want you to be happy. Please, please, please don't let this make you feel bad, it's my own fault for being clingy and selfish.
I love you,
Margie
I'm too scared to tell you this to your face, or over aim, so I want you to read it...
I'm jealous.
I'm so jealous of every single person you hang out with besides me...
Honestly, especially Carrie.
She dropped you like a hot potato, and I was there for you the whole time, now, all of a sudden you're friends with her again?
I'm so jealous and I feel so bad about it... I don't know why I'm jealous, I just am.
I love you, Emily. I trust you more than I trust anybody, and every time I see you with someone else, I just want to hurt them.
I feel so horrible.
I'm a horrible person for feeling like this, and I don't want to be jealous, I really don't.
I wish it could be like the time when I was really the only person you hung out with, but you deserve better than that. You're such a good person, and you deserve much better than me. I'm selfish and greedy, wanting your friendship all to myself.
God, please don't hate me for this, I just want to tell you how I feel, get this off my chest. At this point, I don't care if you get mad at me for this, or think that I'm clingy (which I've realized that I am), I just want to get this out, to tell you!
I need this weight off my shoulders!
I realize that your life would be terrible if you had only one friend, but, really, you're the only person that I consider a real friend and I wish that you would feel the same way.
Quinn, I really spend time with her just to see Cole, and that's terrible. But she's grown annoying and tiring. She's nowhere NEAR as important to me as you are.
I mean, I've already decided that, if we're still friends when I'm 18, I'm gonna get your name tattooed on me, on my chest. On my chest because you're so close to my heart.
I need you to realize that I want you to have more friends than just me, but I hate the thought of it...
I'm selfish for thinking this way, I realize that, and, again, I feel horrible for feeling this way, but, really, you saved my life Emily. You, quite literally , saved my life.
And you still are saving my life. Every day I have at least one thought of hurting myself, or trying to kill myself again, but I shake it off simply so I can see you again.
But, I haven't seen you in, what, a month? If it's not your family, it's babysitting, or hanging out with other friends...
I'm getting so depressed again, and you're the most effective antidepressant in my life. Screw Zoloft, screw Abilify. But, if I never see you, how is this supposed to get better?
I feel terrible for being jealous, but I just am. I'm jealous of your family and I'm jealous of your other friends.
If you read all the way through this, thank you. I love you, and I want you to be happy. Please, please, please don't let this make you feel bad, it's my own fault for being clingy and selfish.
I love you,
Margie
Posted on June 2nd, 2009 at 12:32am
We are hanging out Wednesday!
And let's be real for a minute, it does make me feel bad! But that's okay.
I lofffff you. And it's okay that you feel jealous of my other friends. I wish that you didn't and I hate that you do, but it's okay. I don't hate you!
I have so many people right now who beg and beg for my attention. I learned through Carrie that having a single friend is hazardous-- so I’ve worked hard to strengthen my relationships with a lot of people. I’ve recently found so many people that I have so much in common with, our ideals, our hobbies, our plans for the future. And honestly, one who's high up on my priority list is Carrie. Yeah, suddenly I'm friends with her again. It hasn't been so sudden. What she did was wrong and it hurt, but she apologized, works hard every day to make up for it, and I've accepted her back. It was my decision and you're not the only one who hates me for it, but it was my decision and I'm glad I made it.
I'm having a hard time right now. I'm so busy at this time of the year. So much stuff to do with end of school, graduation, family time, finals, yadda yadda. I also have realized lately that even though my best memories are with friends, I spend most of my time alone. I try to make time for everyone, but I know in reality it doesn't work out that way.
I'm flattered and touched and amazed that you love me so much, and I love you just as much back! But, here's my secret that will probably make you hate me--
I feel smothered sometimes. Just a little. Same as your journal, don’t hate me. I just want to get it off my chest, as well.
I love that you love me, and I love you so much too. The tattoo thing makes me feel sooo endlessly special. You were there for me when I needed you the most and we spent so much time together and had a fabulous amazing time and I still love you as much as I ever had. I'm so glad I could help you when you needed my help as you helped my when I needed yours.
But. I don't know if you realize, but you text me everyday asking if we can hang out. Not only do I feel like crap telling you no, but I'm busy, like, all the time. Also, the sitting with you thing. I feel a little awkward there, and like I said, I want to soak up these last few memories of a group of kids who will never be the same ever again. Sometimes I feel like you only want me to be friends with you, and like it’s bad that I enjoy the company of multiple people.
I’m so messed up inside about this right now.
I love you, I really do. I don’t hate you, and never ever ever think I do. I’m never angry at you, just confused with you. Puzzled, as to your reactions to certain things and such. One minute it’s like you understand, and you’ll tell me so, but the next minute it’s like you aren’t actually okay with everything, and like you’re really hurting.
I don’t want you to be hurting.
But I know I probably do make you hurt.
And I’m sorry for that.
God I don’t even know what to say. How do I sum up endless thoughts into this writing? How do I find the words to explain how I feel?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, but at the same time-- I don’t even know what the but is.
Just trust me. I’m going through some crap right now and I’m trying to sort everything out. I love you, and it’s totally okay that you’re jealous. I’ll try to write you more when my head is less confused, but right now I keep typing the wrong ideas and making this a different situation.
I’m looking forward to Wednesday, though. I can only hang until around six, but I’m looking forward to it, nonetheless. Loff you.
:)
english house, June 2nd, 2009 at 01:47:51am