I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

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Have you ever had that feeling? That one where you’re permanently on the brink of tears, and your eyes sting a little? Your mouth aches and it hurts to smile? Your nose goes prickly, and there’s that horrible feeling in your stomach – sort of hollow but heavy at the same time? And breathing feels so different...sort of less natural and harder. And your chest aches, and your heart feels like its being squeezed a little. Your waist aches a little too and makes you want to double over. Even swallowing is hard. All your body wants to do is sob. It relieves it a little; and it’s sort of nice when you do. But when you do, you can’t stop.

That’s what I was like for the latter half of yesterday. I cried majorly like nine times – with a few stray tears scattered around, in the space of about four hours; the reason why, I just won’t go into right now. I’m a little too tired and it’s hard to explain thoroughly enough. I was just happily sunbathing in my garden when I thought of something that triggered it. I went into my house, where my mum was arriving and I could barely smile at her when she gave me a top and skirt she’d bought me.

I cried in my bedroom, but had to stop and quickly clear my face up when my mum came in. She was showing me some prom dresses, but I just spent the whole time wishing she would leave because I felt I was in danger of erupting into tears at any moment. Don’t you hate that? I just hate crying in front of people.

She left and I cried again. Then people were coming to look round our house so we had to go to the garden and I had a history book in front of me which I tried to revise from, but I couldn’t read any of it because my eyes were brimmed with tears and it made the blurry, and all I could focus on was not crying, because my mum kept looking at me – obviously noticing something was up. She asked what was wrong and I told her hoarsely that I was worried about my history exam. Which was only very partly true – I’m not generally someone who lets an exam upset me though, so she was sceptical.

I let it out again when I got back to my bedroom. I’d left mascara stains all over my duvet and my nose was so runny and I had to blow it subtly because I don’t get hay fever. Then I did some more history revision, had a break, and cried some more.

Then I had to go outside again because more people were looking at our house. I sat at the bench, trying to read the revision book whilst blinking back tears. My dad was home now, and sat opposite me with a Lager and Em came over to join. Which meant it was harder to wipe away escaping tears without them noticing. Before I left dad said ‘Are you alright? Do you want me to help you revise?’ and I said ‘No, I’m ok thank you’ as kindly as I could to let him know I wasn’t mad at him or anything.

I didn’t make it up the stairs before crying again. It was a song that set it off, because it was sad; Mad World. So I cried whilst I listened to it. Seriously, most depressing but beautiful song ever;

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow, no tomorrow...

I had a shower, which I cried all the way through, making those stupid whiny sobbing sounds that I just couldn’t contain the entire time. I had to stop multiple times whilst trying to shampoo my hair when a particularly strong burst of tears came over me. I got out, put on my dressing gown and cleared my face up. I left the bathroom and my mum was there, and I was a little worried she’d heard me.

I got changed into my pyjamas and went on the laptop, doing some more revision. I was starting to get a little better now and managed to go a good space of time without crying. Then my mum came in and sat on my bed in her dressing gown and asked if it was really history and I sort of shrugged and go ‘Yeah – kinda’ and she said ‘Do you want to talk to me about it?’ and I shook my head. I hate talking to people about things that upset me, for some reason it sort of feels embarrassing. My mum stayed there a while, and there was this awkward silence and she said ‘So there’s nothing I can do to help?’ And I said ‘no, I’m alright’ and she got to my doorway and said ‘you know, you can fail if you want, it doesn’t matter. It’s only history, you don’t need that do you?’ which was nice.

She left and I immediately burst into tears again. About an hour later, my dad comes in with the most amazing bacon and salad sandwich I’ve ever seen. He gave it to me and I thanked him and then he ruffles my hair and asks what’s wrong and I just shake my head and he goes ‘you don’t know?’ so I went with that. And he said ‘Ok, well don’t get too upset will you? Because when you get upset I get upset’ and I nodded and he kissed my head, and left, and I cried again.

Then I was in bed with my lamp on going over my notes a few hours later, and my dad came in before he went to bed to say goodnight, which he never does. And hugged my for ages, which he never does, and told me he loves me. And then he left and I turned the light off and cried myself to sleep.

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Well, that was a depressing story. I’m sorry. I just haven’t felt that low in long, long, long time. I’m better now; I don’t think I’ve cried today. I’m really not someone who cries often. Really. I think I could easily fall back into feeling that way again now but I’m focusing on the things that have made me happy today. Such as;

-My five best friends giving me the biggest hugs this morning, as if somehow they knew. Though I really doubt they did.

-Me and Tania lying on the school field waiting for her brother to pick us up and sunbathing in our baggy 09’ leaver’s hoodies, and her making me laugh as usual.

-This video. Watch if you wish. You might not enjoy it, seeing as you don’t know them. I unfortunately call them my best friends. (Tania – dark hair, Jess – the other one...) It was actually made a while back after sports day and we came home in our PE kits to my house and I filmed them on the way to the shop. (The Pokemon/Jai ho bit is in my drive, whilst I’m getting changed and the football is at my school.)

-The fact the history paper was actually OK.

- The sun. Despite the fact it’s apparently not gonna be back tomorrow.

- I don’t have to get up early tomorrow because my exam isn’t until 1.30

-I’ve done thirteen exams now, and only have three more to go! Wahoo!

See, I’m totally dry!:)

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‘I know that the night must end
And that the sun will rise
And that the sun will rise

I know that the clouds must clear
And that the sun will shine
And that the sun will shine’

Next journal will be happier. Hopefully.

The church bells are ringing. I like it. It’s soothing.

My mum just came into my room and gave me the rest of her chocolate. Y'know, It’s the smallest gestures which remind me why I’m still the luckiest girl in the world.

Posted on June 3rd, 2009 at 10:11pm

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TheBestFrigginShoes

TheBestFrigginShoes
Name
Steffi
Age
16
Gender
Female
Location
Great Britain (UK)
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