happiness feels a lot like sorrow

on the outside, i'm tough. anyone out there would think i'm happy as a clam, with no worries whatsoever. on the outside, i pretend nothing's wrong. pretend is a word that has taken over my life.
i pretend i'm happy.
i pretend you didn't hurt me.
i pretend i don't care that we're not friends.
i pretend i don't have problems.
i pretend i'm not afraid of leaving after i graduate.
i pretend the pain and sadness is gone, almost two years later.
i pretend that i don't need to go back to a counselor.
i pretend that everything is fucking awesome.

i have little things that tide me over and make me happy for a day or two. i have little things that give me that buzz, that make me forget for a while. but those little things can only do so much. they can only last for so long. in the long run, things are still fucked up. i'm still sad. i still let you get to me. i still dwell on the fact that we just didn't work out, and we won't ever work out. it's not that i did anything, or that i'm not willing to fix it. trust me, i'd do ANYTHING to fix it. i miss you. but it's all your fault. i'd mend our friendship in a second, if you would just let me back in. i think i've made progress since the time i first realized you were giving me the cold shoulder. now i can deal with the fact that you're just a dumb boy. but i still blame myself a little for thinking you were different. but then again, YOU made me think you were different. you did something that made me open up to you and let you in, and i sort of wish i could take every part of that back.

death is a bitch. it takes the people we love most away from us. it's been almost two years. one year and nine months to be exact. and it still hurts just as much as it did sitting in the hospital that day. i remember that day clearly, even though it's the one thing i wish i could forget.

actually, LIFE is a bitch. in a perfect world, there would be peace, and things would be just a little bit easier. i wouldn't have to fight with friends, i wouldn't have to kill myself with stress just to pass a class, i wouldn't have to deal with annoying, obnoxious people. but clearly, our world is nowhere near perfect. nothing's perfect. i just wish i had it in me to really understand that.