Getting it off my chest

Warning: Very big rant


I'm such a mess of emotions, so much happened in the last months, years even. I don't know when I will update again, might be soon, most probably won't, but one thing I know is that most of my stories are going to be deleted. I just can't keep them, I'm sorry...

There's just so much I need to cope with right now...Too much i never completely got off my chest...


The relationship I was in for two years and four months (yes people, that's right), up untill the end of last May, marked me deeper than anything. All the mental abuse; constant arguments; getting name called; hours and hours, days and days alone; the self-isolating; the bitch having no time for me making me feel unwanted, miserable, unworthy, leading me further and further into depression, and still finding the guts to be a cunt when finally had time for me. Oh did I mention, by phone only. Even living only a few blocks away in one year barely was with me beside in school. And even there stopped being with me. Puff, just like that. I only ever saw her from afar anymore.

Learn from my mistakes people, lies fuck up everything. Lies and secrets. That's what my life was made of for a very long time and it destroyed me with no exageration.

I wonder how many of you know what it's like to look at the person you supposely love and the only thing you can feel is the most awful of the feelings in your gut, your heart stinging, eyes about to turn into the niagara motherfucking falls. I honestly don't think that describes even half of it. No, I'm actually 100% sure it doesn't indeed describe it.

Well that's what I felt, no matter where I was, smiling or not, laughing or not, as soon as I caught sight of her I would turn into bipolar mode and turn again into the silent and closed person I tried so hard not to be.

Everyone who ever meant anything to me, one way or another, directly or indirectly, I ended up losing them thanks to her. I know I know if she made me that miserable why didn't I just got away, broke it all off?
It's not that simple, I'm sure anyone can understand it if you put yourselves in my place.

I could only think:
"Things will have to get better some day" and "she does make me happy in those few moments we are together with no one else around". Bull-fucking-shit now that i come to think about it after all these months. She didn't make me happy, i was just fooling myself. All she ever was, was a motherfucking selfish bitch who was "so in love with me" and "would hurt anyone that ever hurt me" and "die without me" that she toyed with me for two fucking years. Hell, more than that, she already did that shit when we were only friends.
if she did die without me or not I couldn't care less, haven't heard from her since before school ended and to be honest with myself I don't think I'd feel anything at all if she was indeed dead. Harsh much? You wouldn't think so if I had the guts to tell all the things that ever happened. But I can't make myself speak them for shame, regret. One day i might get the guts to get it off my chest. Who knows really?

But I did it, I grew some (very figurative) balls, stopped being a stupid shit and got my head in place and dumped her. For good, not letting her crying and begging get to me like all the other times. I did it, and I never felt such relief in my life.

If I ever regret it? No. If I ever will? Hell motherfucking no.

I am one of those people who do not believe in any god whatsoever, my only belief is that all things happen for a reason, and it couldn't be more true to me.
Thinking back I come to the realization that what kept me with her was having no idea what would be of my life without her, she was a part of my life for years even before we dated and something like that has a huge weight. So I kept doing nothing, only feeding myself lies and fake hopes. And where i meant to get with the all-things-happen-for-a-reason thing was that as time went on and she started spending less and less time with me it helped me realize I could make it on my own, that I didnt need her or need to be scared of what might happen.
I'm so thankful for that.

I remember one day writing in one of my notebooks, way before I even left her:
"A few words could spare me,
but you don't spare me that easily"

It was about the fact that i couldn't bring myself to leave her, that I thought the only way out was if she put an end to it. Selfless stupidity, all i ever worried wasn't the wreck i was making of myself but her feelings and how she would stay if i broke up with her.
Stupid stupid me.
I think "Bulimic" by The Used pretty much defines a part of what I feel.

I feel like punching a wall just to think of all I missed on thanks to her, of all the unique experiences I lost.

And god, all the people I hurt in the way of keeping her happy. Oh yes, I totally gave up on my life but I was still stupid enough to try my best to make her happy. I could only think it was my fault, that I was the one wrong, that I had to make nessie happy, that would make all right. Wrong, so wrong...

There was this other girl I one day met in school, she was mostly known as Shane due to her enfatuation with Shane McCutcheon from the L Word, an enfatuation i happen to share. We instantly got along, she is lesbian, I mostly consider myself bisexual to those who know me but ignore that fact.

I knew then i was attracted to her, not just physicaly but psychologicaly, we just had this connection. And those same feelings kept growing, and we kept growing closer. but I could do nothing cause I wasn't single. nessie had no idea of the half of it but she did see me and shane hugging a lot and did she made the biggest jealous scenes. But I kept feeling a pull towards Shane and in february, in the day right before I left in a trip to madrid, shane kissed me and for as awful as I felt for doing something as wrong, knowing it was cheating, I couldnt help but kiss back, I just couldnt cause she in those moments we spent together talking in school or out of it, she made me happy, she became sort of my reason to keep going when nessie kept breaking my heart.
In the day I left nessie wasnt the one there to wave me goodbye, shane was. she always fucking was.
That trip to madrid was the most amazing experience ever but as soon as i found myself alone with my thoughts I would be dying of guilt thinking "I cant keep living like this". I tried leaving nessie then, i knew shane was the one worth staying with, but she once more didn't let go of me.
So when i got back home the one I forced myself to get away from was the one I knew i needed, Shane. i broke her heart.
She didn't give up so quick, kept fighting for me knowing i wasnt happy with nessie even though she only knew small details and even ignored who my mystery girlfriend was, but i had to hurt her over and over until one day she finaly quit.
I still remember the mess she was for a while, always moping, people constantly asking what was wrong with her. And I, who was dying of regret on the inside, had to keep myself being a cold hearted bitch for the sake of nessie. up to this day she still has no idea of what happened between me and shane.

Then time passed, i was still with nessie and still miserable, but the girls from my class who i found myself adoring more and more eachday managed to break some of my walls and up to today that I'm typing this juma, naty and paty have become some of my bestest friends ever. But i still couldnt tell them my whole story back then, they would make me dump nessie's ass, hell did i know that.
For this year I had every day realised I didn't have any reason to keep going, that i didn't have anything that was worth waking up for, but then those three girls gave me life again.
I even started to look forward to school, time where nessie couldnt be damaging me further by phone texts and if i was lucky enouch i wouldnt cross paths with her.
That was when i found hope again.

Then that day finaly came, some day's before juma's birthday, which was on june 2, I finaly left nessie.
For two weeks she wouldnt stop trying to call me and text me until i started ignoring all of it, getting the strenght to let go, keeping my mind set on my goal.
I had known for a very long time then that my only way of fixing my life was leaving her.

Things were so good after that. Small silly things happened that meant the world to me. Going to the beach with the amazing friends I had found, going out partying, typical teenage shit that i had never really had the chance to do completely due to the obsessive way nessie always hung over me.
I was free.

This summer would have been going amazingly well if it wasn't for the death of my sweet Betty as I have talked in my last post, but even that I'm trying to come to terms with. But hell does it still break my heart...Seeing her lying on that coffin, touching her freezing cold skin as I whispered my "goodbye girl"...i miss her and i cant forget that last moment

But I'm trying to settle my life again, fix things, put back together what nessie broke apart.
And the sad part is, i'm scared, confused, lost not cause of anything to do with her, but of the possibility of ruining it all again.

Shane and I saw eachother again in naty's birthday about two weeks ago. We were so close again. It hurts to realise that only now do I see how much I really liked her before when we had a chance of being together, how i didnt realise how strong my feelings really were then and now that i take notice of it she has a girlfriend who makes her happy for what i can see. But I'm glad that i actually feel happy for her. i felt such strong emotions when she was hugging me in the party but i'm gonna have to settle for the memory cause there's no way i'm ruining what she has with her new girl who i'm sure is way better for her than the damaged wreck i am.
But i think i might get my chance to start over, there's been someone starting to steal my heart for two months now and I think we might work. He's tall, with hazel eyes and the cutest curls and i'm hoping i'll be lucky enough to have a chance to be happy with him. I love the way he thinks and acts, how he makes me feel.
I think he feels the same but i dont dare saying he does cause i'm too scared this will go down the drain but i'm keeping my hopes.
Cause hey, at least he's honest to me.



AN: I do believe most of this made no sense to others and that it was so badly writen but it's almost 5 am and i honestly had to get this off my chest even though i honestly dont think anyone will read this. still it's worth trying. There might be people going through the same and i wish to at least find something positive from the things i've been trough and if this helps someone then i'll be way glad
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