Just so stressed. please I ask for someone to at least read it.

It's 2:43 am and I just can't sleep. All these events of this year are just making it impossible for me to concentrate. I've been going to bed tired and just completely lost. I worry about tomorrow, the future, and myself. I feel like i hate myself and I'm just a complete failure. I know this may seem like i'm ranting on how much my life sucks or something along the lines of that, but the truth is I just can't sleep anymore because of it . Classes are hard and I"m trying, but I seem to go nowhere in them. I'm a senior, this should be one of the best years ever and yet this year feels like a complete and utter let down. I don't appreciate myself and feel as if I'm not ready to go college. That I have done nothing with my life and just seem to continue this routine. There is no money for college, I've acknowledged this and I am struggling to find someway to end up going to college. I"m not the brightest nor the most studious person, but I know I deserve to go and obtain an education. So far this dream, will never become a reality. I have reflected these past 4 years and see so many flaws and can't find some way to fix it. I just simply want to give up on everything. i feel no passion, no drive, or self satisfaction in pursuing anything. I feel as if I am trapped in a deep dark hole of routine.

I've known that I have hated myself for quite a long time and probably that will never change, but it has reached a point where I can't stand it any longer. Everything I know about myself, I wish to erase. Frankly, the only thing keeping me going are my friends and boyfriend. Without him I just don't know what I would do with myself. One of the many people that I know who love me for me, and I love him so much for just accepting that fact. I wish I could tell him all my problems that I'm facing, but then I would feel like i was burdening him. If i was to share my problems, well he would be on the phone with me right now instead of me typing this long expressive journal about myself.

To put it into simple words concerning my problems.
1. All this college applications stuff is really, really stressful and confusing. I have such a huge fear of being rejected and my SAT score isn't outstanding.

2. I have no passion to pursue anything. I want to give up on everything and just sit at home and do nothing. Though, this contradicts with my knowledge of knowing I can do better and greater things with my life, than just sitting at home.

3. I feel like I can't talk to my boyfriend about my problems. I feel like I am burdening him with them. Since he is a college student and I"m a high school senior I can't be constantly talking about my problems since he is a busy guy and doesn't need to waste time worrying about me. So most of the time I keep quiet about them, though that doesn't help me since I'm up at all hours of the night worrying about them.

4. Health issue - it seems as I have gained a lump underneath my armpit. They go away once and awhile though they take a long time to go away or shrink down., but I'm scared that it might be something worse. I just don't know if I should go and have it checked out or wait till it goes away again. This is one of my problems that causes me a huge amount of stress.

5. I fee like I'm losing my friends. They all seem very distant from and I just don't know how to regain that closeness in our relationship.

6. This one is lame but yes I do admit I miss my boyfriend so much, but I'm unable to see him throughout the week and most of the time i'm busy as well. Thats just about the only thing I want all the time. ( i referred to him as a thing, how funny.)


Thank you so much for at least reading this, somehow this has made me feel better knowing someone else knows. If you wish you can comment, any comments would really help me out. I know life could be worse, but this has been really eating me inside and just makes me lose sleep over it. I know I did not go so in depth on my whole mentality issues, but it's pretty darn close to the entire picture. Oh and pardon my bad use of grammar and sentence structure. I really tried and it's around 3:20 so yes this journal took a lot out of me emotionally.