It's Happening All Over Again.
Blech. I know I've told all of you that I'm back and 100% better, but I am not. :(
It''s like, one minute I'm happy, perfectly content with creativity flowing through my veins, then the next minute... I feel dead.
Like, I feel only sadness as an emotion, I feel weak, so weak to the extent of me being unable to smile, even. I can't even force myself to fucking smile. I should be happy. It's my friend's birthday is a couple of days, I can't control it, though.
It almost feels like I've let myself down. Like I've let EVERYBODY down. I've been trying so hard not to break down and cry, or just want to sleep forever, or even feel sadness, but I can't stop it anymore. I'm ashamed to say that I feel this way.
And I could NEVER talk to anyone about it. I just don't work that way. I just can't put this huge weight on their shoulders. I mean, how would you feel knowing your daughter feels this way? I can't imagine how my parents would feel if they found out. My friends have been in similar situations, but it seems like I'm the only one who allows history to repeat itself.
The worst thing about all of this, is not being able to do what i normally do. I feel so.. Useless, that i can't even think up what I want to write as a story. I can't use my brain to formulate some kind of plot for my next chapters, I can't tap into romance, or fear, nothing.
Anyways, sorry for plaguing you guys with this crap again. I do feel bad if you wasted your time reading, but I just had to get this off my chest and tell someone who doesn't actually know me. ('tis how I work)
-Marie.
It''s like, one minute I'm happy, perfectly content with creativity flowing through my veins, then the next minute... I feel dead.
Like, I feel only sadness as an emotion, I feel weak, so weak to the extent of me being unable to smile, even. I can't even force myself to fucking smile. I should be happy. It's my friend's birthday is a couple of days, I can't control it, though.
It almost feels like I've let myself down. Like I've let EVERYBODY down. I've been trying so hard not to break down and cry, or just want to sleep forever, or even feel sadness, but I can't stop it anymore. I'm ashamed to say that I feel this way.
And I could NEVER talk to anyone about it. I just don't work that way. I just can't put this huge weight on their shoulders. I mean, how would you feel knowing your daughter feels this way? I can't imagine how my parents would feel if they found out. My friends have been in similar situations, but it seems like I'm the only one who allows history to repeat itself.
The worst thing about all of this, is not being able to do what i normally do. I feel so.. Useless, that i can't even think up what I want to write as a story. I can't use my brain to formulate some kind of plot for my next chapters, I can't tap into romance, or fear, nothing.
Anyways, sorry for plaguing you guys with this crap again. I do feel bad if you wasted your time reading, but I just had to get this off my chest and tell someone who doesn't actually know me. ('tis how I work)
-Marie.
Posted on November 7th, 2009 at 04:24am
