I lost my best friend and it has ruined my life. And I have a constant fear of rejection.

I hate when people get mad at you and then they won't forgive. Sure they have a reason but that doesn't mean they can just f*cking ignore you. I may hate it but I don't care. When they ignore you it makes me feel so rejected. I have this constant fear of rejection. That..if I make one tiny mistake that I will lose someone forever.

I had this best friend who I had met in kindergarten. Her name was Brittany. She was like a sister to me. We knew every single one of each others secrets. She knew everything that happened in my family and I knew everything that happened in hers.

I never had a dad in my life until I was 5 or 6. then my mom married my step-dad. (Who is awesome by the way). My REAL dad was a druggie, alcoholic and felon. He was never around. He had children with like 7 different women. Brittany always knew about this and helped me deal with knowing my dad never wanted to be in my life.

Brittany was spoiled rotten. I mean I got spoiled but not to the extent of her. After her parents got divorced she got everything she wanted. I remember when we were little after her parents got divorced her grandma got her this 30 dollar doll and I was so jealous. Who pays 30 dollars for a doll?!!?

We were bestest Friends forever. Then we both moved the same year. We saw each other every weekend and some times during the week, talk on the phone everyday, and see each other when we were off of school. Then middle school came. The last time I talked to her was the first day of sixth grade. I remember the phone call. That was the last time I talked to Brittany Lopez.

I called her everyday for a week but she never answered the phone or called me back. Eventually I just give up. Then one day I went outside and I saw a bad and as note with my name on it. In the bag were some pajamas I had left at her house. The note said that she would thought I might want them. I went inside the house and told my mom. She said well..why would she drop them off? Does she think she is never going to see you again? I didn't have an answer I just sat in a corner and cried. I never did talk to see her again.

What bothers me the most was that I don't know what I did or why she stopped talking to me. I used to think that maybe she died or went into a coma or something. I told my mom and grandma what i thought and they said oh ya we saw her and her mom at the mall a few months ago. I was so mad. I was like why wouldn't you tell me you saw her?!!? Wouldn't you be mad if your mom saw someone you used to know and they just stopped talking to you and never told you?

This is where part of my fear of rejection comes from.

The other part is my REAL dad. I feel rejected because it's almost as if he left me on the streets. He wasn't there when I was born, for any of my birthdays, nothing. He never tried to contact me or be in my life.

Now I'm afraid that someone will leave me again. Or never want to be in my life. I'm afraid that if someone is mad at me that they will never talk to me again. That they will reject me. That's how I feel right now. Everyday I'm afraid that someone will just leave me and never come back again.