I miss writing in these journals. I've kept too much emotions inside of me and I just have to let it out to you people of mibba - people who will never be able to see me unless some weird thing happens and fate happens to make us meet up somehow.
My emotions, flowing from the inside of me, and out through my fingertips. Finally making it's way into journal entry box in mibba. That feeling of relief from being in so much tension. It's irreplaceable. Yet, a person like me can never have this feeling soothe my entire body.
Tension overwhelms a weakling like me. Poor in spirit rather.
My inner being. Forcibly disguised by a mask of happiness. Right now, I just want to curse at this world. All the mishaps it's caused me.
Right now, I'm only thirteen. But when I was younger, I thought life would be so much more than dollies and tea parties. I thought there were more things to explore - more than my backyard and the closet. I thought life was bigger than the bedroom I was caged in.
Oops. I forgot to mention: my childhood was spent in crammed box-like bedroom. The only time I got to see the outside world was only when my grandparents would take me to school - when I get out of my house and ride the car. I never spent time outside playing with other kids or riding bikes. In fact, I never even learned to ride a bike.
I'm guessing you can figure out how my life continued after that.
But if you have a brain the size of a pea, let me help you out:
Day after day the girl my grandparents raised became more and more destructive. According to my grandparents, the people who raised me, when I was younger (a little older than a newborn, but younger than a toddler), I loved to rip stuff into tiny pieces. They'd give me a piece of paper and I would tear into a million tiny pieces. They were smaller than half an inch.
I loved to draw on the walls with my scented markers. Don't all kids just enjoy this activity? Adults can't get angry and scold me because I was a child and that "I didn't understand life."
Years have passed and my intelligence obviously increased. And so did my being. I grew up with the thought that no one is to be happy until I'm happy. I thought that was the way my life was supposed to be. I seriously thought that this world revolved around me and that nothing ever matters. I thought that that was essential in life. I was completely stupid and dumb-founded.
I know I'm different. I've told people in the past that I wasn't like everyone. Actually, I thought I was bipolar and that I had conduct disease. I thought I had mental issues. I thought that I had changed because of this disease I recently acquired. I thought I became some circus freak and that I couldn't be a friend because I have "issues" and that I can't help with their problems and such.
That night, I thought about that idea. But then, I remembered one of the few pieces of advice my mother gave me: "never make decisions when you're mad because you'll only make your life worse, and that will leave you unhappy for the rest of your life." So yeah. I did the wrong thing. I doubted myself. It wasn't the best thing for me to do, but at least I can still fix it - it isn't too late.
But anyways, I don't want to talk about the very personal things I've gone through and currently going through.
But lately, I've been feeling a bit "light" . As if my body is ready to give in to anything and everything. Like if there's something big that'll happen, my body seems to respond in the weirdest way - just give in.
I was never the type of person to just give in and give up. I'm a fighter (superman music plays). And I've always fought for my physical and emotional rights. No wonder I always seem to fight with people I get close to.
Enough for now. I'll continue with this in my next journal !
Well that depends if I remember to continue this topic.
[c] MAYDAY PARADE for the title
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