March 1, 2012.

What do you do when you realize that you lost someone that was perfect for you? And that you’ll never find someone as perfect as them ever again.

This question/thought has been playing in my mind for a week or so now, and I spent time dwelling on it, feeling hurt, depressed, bummed out, and just alone. God that feeling sucks, feeling like there’s no one else out there that you’ll be as happy with as the person you were with before, but then everything turned to shit and tore you apart. You realize that you’ll have to settle on someone. But you force yourself into thinking that it’s okay to settle, because that’s better than being alone, right? Not even close.

Everyone has their thought of the perfect person, and you never think you’ll find them, that they’re too good to be true, and I was exactly that way. But then one day it actually happened. He was perfect.

That was my first mistake.

Thinking that he was perfect, when in reality, he wasn’t. He was kind of an asshole. He was pretty perfect at the beginning, but that’s how humans are. They’re mirages. People’s true colors come out and they’re not as great of a person as you thought, or as they first were.

But really, you’re better off without them. And I’m better off without him. No matter how much I miss him.

I realized I was putting up with the asshole side of him because I was so fucking scared to lose him. I let him put the blame for fighting on me, that it was my fault for causing them; but it wasn’t my fault. I put up with him never ever texting me first. I put up with starting every conversation, and keeping the conversation going. I realized I was the only one putting in effort. I was the only one communicating and being completely open with him. That I was the only one putting things back together when we fought, and working the fights out.

And after realizing that, everything hurt less. I don’t miss him as much. I don’t dare waste a tear on him. And I’m okay knowing that I lost him. He wasn’t perfect. I deserve better. And I’ll find someone better. Obviously it still hurts, I mean, it really fucking sucks when you were the only one trying and putting in an effort, and they didn’t really give a shit at all and just strung you a long.

I realized all of this listening to music and a lyric popped out at me, it helped me answer my own question/thought.

Walk away, I know it hurts, don’t be afraid and know your worth.

-Let You Go by The Rocket Summer.