My Blood

Again I throw up. Food and stomach acid and saliva come out. It pains me to witness my own suffering. A day ago, and the one before that, too, I saw traces of blood. My own blood. The most valuable thing in me. I'm spitting it out. My own body refusing to accept reality. Or perhaps it is my mind. Something within me is in turmoil. My emotions are hurt, confused, and trying to escape. I wince in pain at my own hunger pangs, wishing my body would allow me to eat. Wish for the energy to get up off my knees.

I am sobbing. Resting my forehead on my bed, hands resting beside me. Flashbacks of a happier time between me and a loved one race through my mind and I embrace it, yet repel it. I miss it and yet hate it. It fuels my own confusion and chaos within me. My own thoughts heave way to my own suffering. My hope, where are you?

She left me so long ago, but only in my mind does this distance grow. The memory still lives inside of me. For petty reasons I'd rather not explain. For silly things that children would complain. We lost our peace but I know there is still love. Where is my love going? Why is it leaving me? Please don't leave me. Please don't let go...

She didn't want me. She didn't want to. She left me still. She left away. Far, far away where I may never see her. She said she would return. But now that, too, has changed. Within my own dreams I, too, want to leave. The pain begins and the sleep disrupts. I toss and I turn, wishing for a peaceful night. But I can't have it. I can't have everything I want, so she says. Whether I deserve it, whether I deserve her, is not my decision nor my judgement. My heart and my loyalty I gave up to her. My plans and my future I gave onto her. My hopes and my dreams, my wishes and my fantasies, I shared with her.

Once, I called her my everything. I'd say to her I would never leave. She, instead, left me. Through my sobbing and my tears, I would beg for her back. Somehow she always wanted to be back. Except now. What have I done? What fault of mine has caused this? Why am I doing this, to myself?

The hunger grows. The pangs won't stop. The pain just too real. Too real for me to wish it all away. My body is sick and tired of my own civil war. Yet my physical delight comes only in the pain I share for the loss I have taken. Sick and sad, I cannot define it for it is a part of my mortality. Near and far, my heart still dwels on the woman. Once she used to be mine, and I to be hers. Now, it's all gone with the wind. Only to be a whisper in the past. A ghost in time.

The tensions grew; I could not stop it. She left the state and left our life. She went to family and left another. She found happyness, but left me void of my own. She found a new man, but I am still with my ghost. The memories still resonate, but her pain I can only suspect. Whether or not she is feeling anything similiar is my own gambling guess. Whether she is still the woman I knew, loved, hoped, trusted is also anybody's guess.

Where will I be left? What's going to happen to me? I pray to God, my God, to please save me. From my own suffering. From my own sins. Whether false or true. Please save me from my guilt, my anguish, my pain. Don't leave me like this, to suffer and to want to die. I don't want to die, but yet... I want to die. Life is worth so much more. Life is so beautiful. But for the very life of me I lack my own morales. Somewhere deep down in that toilet I've flushed them down. Along with my energy and my hopes. Pieces of me being lost everyday. So little being taken in, so much being thrown out.

My rebellion is against fate and time. They all tell me "Let her go..." , but I refuse. They tell me to stop, but I'm too stubborn to listen. They fear for my health. "Eat... don't do this to yourself", but my will is gone. My will has been taken. What, then, do I have left to stand on? What is it that makes me still take this path of pain and suffering? Where is my foundation?

It's in the wind... blowing forth where ever it pleases to go. Only I wish to catch it for one - last - chance.