Dreamers

I listen to the same song over and over. It's replaying in my mind and in my heart. It's fueling my hope. I'm headstrong. I'm too stubborn to accept reality. My sanity is disappearing at the bottom of the sea. My boat is sinking ever farther down these stormy reefs. I'm still sailing, though. I'm not dead yet. I'm thinking about the past so much more. The rain pours on my face as I continue sailing toward my own suicide. What can I change? Why am I letting myself come down to this? Where has my last shred of dignity gone to?

I don't feel the moisture on my face anymore. I hear the thunder and the splashing of rain, but it's so distant and far away. My mind is seeping into another reality. Another world. A world already lived in. By myself. My memories remind me of who I am but, somehow, I can never see what's right in front of me. I'm sailing for calmer seas. I'm sailing to a sunset on the horizon. I'm dreaming of a port where I will finally lay my soul to rest.

Where am I? Reality is slowly coming back to me, but my dreams are still beyond my grasp. Past my reach. If only I had done it differently. Without warning, a mast falls onto the deck and the boat churns and sways to and fro. I'm pushing my own vessel toward it's physical limits. I'm running from life. I'm searching for her...

It won't take long before the ship collapses. The lions are waiting to eat my flesh and bones. I hold onto whatever I can grasp onto. Their wrath is splashing against my boat. Blood spills on my palms, but the rain quickly washes it away. "It won't be long" I hear myself say. "I'm almost there" my thoughts whisper. "You're gonna make it" my heart tells me.

And then, nature proves who's the bigger God. I lose my grip as the vessel begins to tear itself apart. I cover my face and struggle for balance. The winds are so strong. I don't know if I can go on any longer. The rain is pushing me back. I'm afraid to fall into the depths of the water. It's so deep and mysterious, but there's nothing else I can do.

With my final breath, I am pushed - knocked - off onto the water before my boat finally capsizes. The waves are churning and the ocean is devouring me. I don't know how to swim but I am holding onto one last piece of my ship for dear life. It's slipping away from me. It's being pulled out to sea beyond my grasp. Beyond my reach.

I'm looking up at the sky now. It is grey and black. It looks hideous. Thunder flashing, lighting striking. The might of men cannot stop the force of nature. I tried to sail against the wind. But alas, I have failed. I am holding on for dear life and waiting for my death.

I suddenly see what cannot be, what only the damned and the ghosts of their own demise can see. The seas are becoming calm and the sky fades away to a blue sea of warmth. The sun hits my face and I am squinting, still soaked. I am dreaming for sure, but it feels so good that I would rather be dreaming of this than clinging onto an ending journey.

What I see cannot be. It is a mirage. It is my own madness. But yet, before me stands a figure. A woman standing on the surface of the water. She is looking at me. She is smiling at me with her blue eyes and her brown hair, beautiful as the day I saw it. I am crying and sobbing, remembering this memmory. I never wanted her to go but she did. We couldn't hold on much longer. We didn't. She's looking at me. Calling to me. Reaching out to me. I struggle for air and gasp for breath, but there is none. I cannot find the energy or the will. I reach to her and grab her hand, holding it as my eyes close until the sea engulfs me.

Still I dream of her.