Fall Vulnerable.

I'm having a day, guys. I can't take it anymore, I really can't. It's sucking the life out of me. I thought everything would be okay after moving and everything, but it really isn't. It was okay for a couple weeks, but here we are, at each others throats again. I can't stand the way my mother is. I don't want to be here anymore. My school called her today and told her about how I was talking to one of the lady's that I sorta work for at school about how depressed I used to be and how there wasn't a day that went by where committing suicide wouldn't cross my mind, and my counselor called her today and was like "Are you aware that your daughter used to think about killing herself and she might still want to?" and all my mom said was that she was aware, which she is, and then the phone call was over. 

My litter sister is pure demon. I've never wanted to punt someone onto railroad tracks while a train was going by in my life. Like, seriously, some of you will be like "oh she's your little sister, she's supposed to be that way!" FUCK. NO. I will secretly video tape that shit and post it. She's terrible. And my mom thinks she's just perfect. My mother got the rest of her stuff from our old house today, and it was like photographs and stuff when she was in her really early twenties, and all my older brothers certificates and stuff, and she was just pulling out endless pictures of my older brothers and their certificates of perfection, and like, the total of five pictures she owns of me, and would not stop bragging on my brothers. My oldest one, for that matter. I'm sitting at the table listening to Mayday Parade and trying to do my math homework and she's just throwing down pictures of my oldest brother, and her first child down over my homework, and then all of his certificates and all I heard for the next like, twenty minutes was "Oh, look how beautiful your brother is. Oh look at how cute he was when he was a baby. Oh look at all these certificates he earned when he was only in first grade! He was so good. He was so smart, the smartest. He was the most talented. He's so perfect. He never held you when you were a baby. Oh, look, isn't he so perfect. He was so very smart, he still is!" and I'm sitting there, just like  really? She knows I've been struggling with my grades all year, and how much I hate disappointing people, and all of my self esteem issues, and there she is, telling me how perfect my older brother is. Way to make me feel like shit. And after my oldest brother, she moved to my other brother, Christopher, who is two years younger than my oldest brother, Aaron, and started on how beautiful of a baby he was and how perfect he is. And Faith, the next heir to hades throne, is also always the perfect child. I guess I'm just the problem child. Just another mouth to feed. I don't mean anything. My existence doesn't mean anything. I'm so tired of feeling worthless. I hate myself so much, I don't know if I'll ever be able to see even a centimeter of "okay-ness". I'll never be who I dream to be. I thought that maybe if I just wait until high school, just hold off a little longer, that maybe I'll fall in love with someone, and they'll fall in love with me and they could save me from all the pain in my life, but life isn't like the stories I write, and it never will be. I realize that the stories I write will never, ever happen. It doesn't turn out perfect like that. There is never gonna be a perfect guy out there that will make my life like that. Never. The stories I write are just a place in my mind. A place in my own little world so that for that short time I could escape reality and try and heal. Try and be happy again. But no. Before I can ever get fully healed in the infirmary that is my unrealistic imagination, I get thrown back out into the war that is the world and shot with the AK-47 of life, my body breaking all over again. I am so physically and mentally exhausted right now. So physically and mentally unstable. And I have no one to talk to. I have my best friend, yeah, but I need something more. I wish I didn't, but I do. And for now, I guess that something more is just gonna have to be a journal. This journal. This online journal is the only place I could pour my heart out, leaving it readable to anyone. Leaving myself vulnerable to anyone. Maybe I need that. Maybe we all need that sometimes. Just to pour our heart and soul into something. A journal. A journal is something great to pour your soul out into because just a journal alone, a blank journal, is meaningless. It's not completed until you pour your soul into it. That's when its complete. Think of it that way, if you're like me and think, no, know, no one will ever need you on this planet, think of a lifeless, empty journal. Meaningless to everyone and everything until you put meaning into it. Then it's special. It's fascinating. It's glorious. It's amazing. It's every word in the dictionary that can explain how great it will be if you put a piece of you in it. Maybe sometimes we need to let ourselves fall vulnerable to the world. Not forever, no, never forever, the world would eat you alive, but for a short while. Just short enough to start to finally heal, yet the world is just starting to eat you. Close off the world and think about yourself. Just. Fall. Vulnerable.

I don't believe I have much more to say. I'm just having a bad day, and I needed a place to write. You guys are amazing, and I thank you for reading if you actually read through everything. <3