Nightmares

I keep on having them about the same kinda thing. Not all the time but every now and then. And there's this one that stands out from the rest. I don't know why but it's bugging me. I had it last night.

Me and my girlfriend Lou are walking in a park. We turn into the child play part and there he is. With a woman and a little girl that looked exactly like me when I was about 7. I fucking freaked. I started shouting at this woman, saying "Why are you trusting this man with your child? Do you know what he's done? He's wrecked my life. I have nightmares all the time and i'm completely fucking scared about seeing him again. If I were you, I'd move as far away as possible right now." But this woman just blanked me. I went over to the kid and started to pull her away. But he just grabbed my arm and pulled me away laughing, saying "I said I was gunna get you." Lou got the little kid and was holding her in her arms. When I looked back, Lou and the little girl were crying.

Then I woke up. Its really upsetting me. I just don't get it. I'm really really ultra estatic at the moment. Everything's going absolutely fine with my girlfriend and then I have this dream and it just completely puts me down. I really don't want to go back into the whole depression stage again. I hated it last time. I had to see a counsellor and a therapist. It didn't even help. I hated it. Then the whole thing with being bullied and everything else. My sister blames me for nearly breaking up the family because I wasn't there for her birthday. I feel so fucking guilty because of that and she goes and digs the knife in deeper.

Why the fuck am I feeling like this? I just don't fucking get it.

I was listening to Immortal - Evanescence and I've realised, it's practically the soundtrack to my life. Nearly made me cry.

I absolutely hate feeling like this. I want to be happy. I need to be happy. I can't be feeling like this. Not now.