Life Story.

My story is one that may seem like nothing to you. But it's everything to me because its my life...
I grew up in a small town in the middle of the woods. When I say woods I mean... Miles upon Miles of woods. The nearest large civilization is Manchester, NH, thats about... 90 miles from my house. An hour and a half.
I grew up known as the school freak and never had any friends. I was lonely but found happiness in creating my own world inside my head.
My mother abused me since I was little and my father was never home to stop her. I grew to hate her including everything I felt I stood for.
My mother cheated on my father many times, she kept sex-toys in her room where I found them later on. I understood her as a human was a sexual being, but I couldn't accept her no matter how hard I tried. I forced myself to think that sex was horrible, thinking of someone doing things to me makes me freak out. I don't even know why these days.

I have been in relationships before. But people always leave me or die. I'm young so people automatically think that I don't understand anything. But I do, and I hate it. Ignorance really is bliss... And I am anything but ignorant.

I'm amazing at hiding my inside feelings from people if I choose so. For years I hid things from people to the point when I was hospitalized for suicide attempt they were all shocked beyond belief. When I was 12 I was already drinking and smoking. I tried to kill myself by bleeding to death. I was sent to mental ward's a few times over the past 2 years. Its been nearly a year since my last hospitalization. (On my birthday last year I tried to commit suicide again in May.) I gave up on killing myself after that because it seemed that I could never achieve it and it would always make my life worse.

I'm not necessarily good at anything other than acting and singing. But I'm too self conscious to sing and I would not want to pursue a career in acting since I dislike it. I've been told by my teacher's I'm highly intelligent, but the work stresses me out too much. I can't live like that. Doing things I hate. Because in the future no one will be there to save me when I'm finally all alone.

My sexuality is A-sexual. I;m attracted to both sexes but I can never see myself in sexual situations with people. It repulses me. The thought of someone getting pleasure out of my body, touching me in intimate way's which just seem so entirely awkward. Me sucking dick; that's all it is. Sex is so animalistic, I don't want to be part of that. I do have a sex-drive, I just don't choose to act on it because I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation. I would freak out. I really hate talking about this, so if you want me to explain any farther you have to be my friend.

I hate a lot of things. Some people say are clique like the sun, I don't like going outside because I have some odd fear of any kind of bugs touching my body. Its embarrassing to say. But also my skin burns fairly easily and sunblock feels gross on my skin. Besides, there is nothing that I would like to do outside.

I have had schizophrenic episodes in the past where I would have hallucinations. But those now are under control.

My influences are Japanese J-Rock music, Gothic Lolita style, Amanda Palmer, Emilie Autumn, and Marilyn Manson. My religion is Atheist/Scientologist and I am currently a socialist.

That pretty much sums up my life... Yeah..