Just about me...thoughts I needed out of my head. Really badly.
Look. I know I’m not perfect. I’m so far fucking from it that it’s not even a blur in the distance.
Okay…so I have anger issues. Boy is that an understatement. Scratch that. I’m angry at the fucking world.
I’m a perfectionist. Everyone can tell me my writing is good. You think I’ll believe them? Not for a fucking second, even if a joke around about being good. Pick up a book by JK Rowing, Cornelia Funke, Tamora Pierce, Stephen King…hell, anyone. You’ll rethink my so called talent.
I will never be perfect…which is why my being a perfectionist is so fucking stressful. You can tell me I’m smart. I may smile, shrug…whatever. But damnit…I don’t believe you. Call me pretty? Yeah right. Skinny? Fit? I mean damn…I don’t know what you people see, but it’s not what I know when I look in the mirror!
And here I go…like the whining bitch I am once again. But if I don’t get these words out of my head I’ll go crazy.
Which sometimes I think I am. I’ll be laughing and happy one moment, and the next the whole world will be on my shoulders again and I won’t even talk to my best friend. Is this what people call normal? Scared to death of love or attachment? Always blaming yourself for everything? Needing everything in life to be perfect…and even? Is this normal teenage behavior?
And you know what? I don’t even think I give a damn if it is. Because it still sucks. Whoever said being a teenager was the best moment in your life is a damn moron, because it SUCKS.
How long do I think I can do this? Push people farther and farther away. Because soon I’ll run out of people, and then I’ll have no one. I’ve already lost some people…they just couldn’t stand me anymore.
I wouldn’t be my friend. I don’t know how anyone around me can stand it. I’m fucking…insane. Who wants to be friends with someone who doesn’t believe a word they say for her perfectionism, self doubt, and trust issues? Someone who is constantly pushing them away when they CARE?
Damn.
And this is already too damn long.
But at least it’s out of my head for now.
Okay…so I have anger issues. Boy is that an understatement. Scratch that. I’m angry at the fucking world.
I’m a perfectionist. Everyone can tell me my writing is good. You think I’ll believe them? Not for a fucking second, even if a joke around about being good. Pick up a book by JK Rowing, Cornelia Funke, Tamora Pierce, Stephen King…hell, anyone. You’ll rethink my so called talent.
I will never be perfect…which is why my being a perfectionist is so fucking stressful. You can tell me I’m smart. I may smile, shrug…whatever. But damnit…I don’t believe you. Call me pretty? Yeah right. Skinny? Fit? I mean damn…I don’t know what you people see, but it’s not what I know when I look in the mirror!
And here I go…like the whining bitch I am once again. But if I don’t get these words out of my head I’ll go crazy.
Which sometimes I think I am. I’ll be laughing and happy one moment, and the next the whole world will be on my shoulders again and I won’t even talk to my best friend. Is this what people call normal? Scared to death of love or attachment? Always blaming yourself for everything? Needing everything in life to be perfect…and even? Is this normal teenage behavior?
And you know what? I don’t even think I give a damn if it is. Because it still sucks. Whoever said being a teenager was the best moment in your life is a damn moron, because it SUCKS.
How long do I think I can do this? Push people farther and farther away. Because soon I’ll run out of people, and then I’ll have no one. I’ve already lost some people…they just couldn’t stand me anymore.
I wouldn’t be my friend. I don’t know how anyone around me can stand it. I’m fucking…insane. Who wants to be friends with someone who doesn’t believe a word they say for her perfectionism, self doubt, and trust issues? Someone who is constantly pushing them away when they CARE?
Damn.
And this is already too damn long.
But at least it’s out of my head for now.
Posted on February 21st, 2008 at 05:03am
