Give me a reason to believe.

i realize i deleted most of these, and that would be because i didn't present myself in the way i would've liked. i made myself sound like a poor excuse of a person, and i don't want to be percieved that way, even if it is the internet. i want these to be less sorry, and more like updates. i know most people don't even bother to read journals, but i'd like to make this one some sort of a comfort, i guess. comfort for me, and for anyone who reads it. and though that's not a lot of people, it at least gives me some source of ressorection and guidance. i am well aware that probably doesn't make sense, but to me, it does. many things that are in my head make sense to nobody else but to me, and i've grown comfortable with and am completely okay with that.

today, i did one of the hardest things i've ever done. i buried someone who has been there for me since the day i was born. my uncle al. usually when people say "uncle" they think of someone young, but this is my great uncle. originally my mom's, incase you didn't know what that meant. but anyways. after a two hour rode trip to iowa starting at seven in the morning, i was not too thrilled to be anywhere but in a bed with my eyes closed. but i got over it, and put on my brand new three inch red satin platforms, pinstripe pants, and an actual blouse, and walked out my door, fully prepared for the car ride there. it is just a coincidence that my aunt, who is riding with us, brought her laptop and offered me the internet. this is why she's my godmother. only not really. i thought i would be okay, i really did. i mean, i cried myself to sleep when i found out he had two days, and i went out to iowa to visit my other aunt when i found out he had passed without shedding a single tear, so why would i cry now? i thought it would be okay. but it wasn't. i was fine until i saw al's wife, my aunt gayle (the one i had gone to visit only days before) crying in front of the casket. i nearly broke down. but instead, i went into the bathroom and calmed myself down. then during the church service, i had to focus on one area of the ceiling to stop the tears from flowing. but when they started talking about al, i couldn't help it. i burst into tears and then my mom started crying and then the whole room started crying. it was a sob fest, caused by me.

i guess it got me thinking. we're all here for one reason, and that reason is to live. and i'm sitting here, worrying about how many myspace comments i'm going to get today, or what spot i'm on in someone's top friends, and as far as i'm concerned, that's not living. that is wasting. and i don't want to waste. if we're all here for one reason, why can't it be the same reason? there's people here to live, but if everyone lives a different life, does that still make it the same reason? excuse my rambling, but i've been in the car for at least 6 hours total today, yesterday, two days ago, and three days ago. that's one whole day in a car. no wonder my ass hurts.

there was something in the program from the service today, but i'm not in the mood to break the conversation between my mother and my aunt to ask for it so i can put it here. i'll add it when i get home, i guess.

on a lighter note, the warped tour lineup pretty much made me shit myself. all time low is playing in chicago and wisconsin, and since i'm trying desperatley to get to both shows (though i'm definitley going to the one in chicago), i would probably die if i got to see those boys two days in a row. i'm sorry, my name is not sarah or lindsay, i don't follow their tours. hahahah, if one of you is reading this, i'm sorry, i couldn't help myself. isly. dyslm? omg lyke no way.

for now, i still have more life wasting to do. off to myspace.
<3