To Whomever Concern

To Whomever Concern,

My name's Yvonne and I'm 17. I am currently studying A Levels in order to pursue a career in law. The question is, am I even cut out for law? Or am I just lying to myself that I am because everyone else said so. Or should I be pursuing my dream of wanting to be a director? Is that dream even real? Or did I just want to be a director because I can meet and work with all the famous people I admire? What am I cut out for in this life? Maybe I'm supposed to be on the science stream but I made a huge mistake. What is right, what is wrong? I don't even know anymore. Everything seems like a cloud of uncertainties right now.

There is about a month to go before my AS results are announced and I'm suppose to apply to universities with that result. The problem is I started off having some sort of confidence that I would be able to make it, that I would pass my exams and maybe even get my A's. But now, it just looks like another lie I'm telling myself to make myself feel better. You see, the thing is, if I failed or didn't get my A's in this exam, it would be very likely that I wouldn't get my A's for my A2 as well and that would result to me being unable to apply to a lot of universities or get out of this country. And the worst thing is I would disappoint my parents which I can't stand the most. It's like I've been disappointing them my whole life and to disappoint them again is just horrible. They spent tons of money on my A Levels and here I am being totally uncertain about my results. They had the confident that I would make it. Hell! Even my lecturers do but I feel the total opposite. I just feel like I'm not as good as everyone thinks I am. I'm not the person who knows all the answers to my homework, I'm not the one who answers in class, I'm not the one who understands every single word the lecturers say in class.

Then, why does everyone thinks I am that? Am I lying to myself? Am I lying to the world? It's just scary to believe that my whole life so far may have been just a lie or a dream. That I have been living the life of what everyone else wants me to live. But what about my own life? I don't even know what that is anymore. I don't even know what to do with it. It's like everything I do is just another lie to make myself believe everything is fine and alright.

So, what is going on? What am I suppose to do? What if I failed my A Levels? What if I am still living a lie? I don't know what to do anymore. And I don't know what is right or wrong. Everything is a blur to me now.

Yvonne