His lips...

God knows how long I've spent wishing I could kiss them.

And, today, I watched as he held a cigarette between them.

Honestly, of all the habits someone could have, smoking is the absolute worst.

It completely revolts me, but what revolts me even more is that I'd still kill to have him.

Must be that crazy tolerance of mine.

Either way, I'm no longer convinced that he's perfect.

That's more of a relief than anything.

Even without Michael there tonight to feed my ego, I was far more confident than I had been before.

Now that I consider it, my ego was fed in a number of other ways.

In some sick sense, one of my friends hitting on me tonight made me feel confident.

True, more than confident, I felt uneasy.

And true, I still feel a little uneasy.

It's not just that I don't like him that way.

I mean, I don't know...

The thing is, I can't.

And even if I could, I wouldn't.

More for his sake than mine.

See, I do so much better when I'm stalking strangers, because they don't know I'm there.

But as soon as it becomes mutual, then I have... obligations?

It's funny how these things usually happen with me.

Funny in a sick way.

Yesterday, my dad and I were talking.

He said, "The wanting is always greater than the having."

I tried to prove him wrong, using examples of things I appreciate instead of wanting them to be better.

He thought about that and told me there could be counterexamples for every aspect of life.

Except one.

Relationships.

And so far, I can't say I disagree.