I cut off all my hair
I don't even know why, exactly.
When I was younger, I used to have unusually long hair. People always used to comment on how lovely it was, and how pretty I looked. But I don't feel pretty anymore- just useless.
My boyfriend went away for the weekend. Not a big deal, you would think, for someone who is in all other respects a competent adult. He is staying in a house with other girls. Friends of friends, but still not a fact that should destroy the world. And yet, it doesn't take much when you're as insecure as I am.
I've never been good enough for him. I've had years of second chances. I'm a failure of a girlfriend, and a failure of a human being. Humanity is the mantle of all judgement and cruelty, trials and insecurity. And so, for now, I'd rather not be human at all.
When I was younger, I used to have unusually long hair. People always used to comment on how lovely it was, and how pretty I looked. But I don't feel pretty anymore- just useless.
My boyfriend went away for the weekend. Not a big deal, you would think, for someone who is in all other respects a competent adult. He is staying in a house with other girls. Friends of friends, but still not a fact that should destroy the world. And yet, it doesn't take much when you're as insecure as I am.
I've never been good enough for him. I've had years of second chances. I'm a failure of a girlfriend, and a failure of a human being. Humanity is the mantle of all judgement and cruelty, trials and insecurity. And so, for now, I'd rather not be human at all.
Posted on August 1st, 2008 at 04:09pm
I don't know myself, I just know other people. :)
I was attached to my hair, too. A year ago I wouldn't have parted with it for the world, but I guess part of cutting it off was that I don't feel sad even to be making my appearance unbearable. I just don't care.
And as for useful things, well, it is more a prevailing sense of uselessness from which cleaning is but a minor distraction. Sure, I can do useful things, but I still am useless. I think I'm mainly useless because I'm ugly, and I have a twisted sense of gender roles and values that applies only to me.
Scarecrow Angel, August 3rd, 2008 at 12:39:06am
I don't blame you bout the whole 'I don't want to be human' thing. It sucks ass most of the time because if you aren't dealing with one thing you're being bombarded by another.
I've always had my hair long. I think about cutting it, but I just can't... I guess I'm attached or something.
Is there any particular reason why you feel useless? I'm sure there's something useful you've done lately. Fed a pet? Made a friend laugh? Cleaned something? Fixed something? Read a book? They might not seem to be very useful, but someone probably appreciates it.
You really don't strike me as the type of person to be insecure.
You seem like you know yourself, and if you know yourself than who cares what other people think they know about you?
If the problem with your insecurity isn't in other people than maybe you can draw comfort from the fact being that 'humanity is the mantle of all judgment and cruelty, trials and insecurity.' You're only human after all.
Dreaming in Color, August 2nd, 2008 at 03:13:18pm