I said "I love you," and I never meant it more.

He said, "Thanks."

I often wonder why I bother.

Finally, I conquer my fears. The one percent of me that feels awkward and inferior to him has been driven away, possibly, hopefully, forever.

And I do what I've longed to be able to for ages.

But for what?

For "thanks."

I felt it. I honestly felt that he was so much deeper than he let on. I honestly thought I KNEW he had a serious side that he was hiding.

But I know nothing.

I don't know the first thing about him.

He says we're friends, but we're still strangers. And if he'll never let me in, that's what we'll remain.

That aside, tonight was the greatest night of my life.

Why?

Because.

I finally did it. Whatever that means. Whatever it was worth. I did it.

It's like finishing a race last.

Quitting would have gotten you the same result, but instead, you keep going until you cross the finish line.

So you didn't win. And maybe you anticipated that.

But because you tried your hardest, something was lifted off your chest. Something that would have remained there if you had just stopped trying.

A big, heavy WHAT IF.

Geez, what is that quote? Hm...

"For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: it might have been."

I don't know if that means anything to you, or if you've ever finished last in a race. I use metaphors so I DON'T have to say what I mean.

I'm just not sure if "it might have been" is as sad as "it isn't."

Hope has a way of getting crushed.

So maybe that will catch up with me eventually, but I've been too optimistic lately to care.

The people around me have done a stellar job of feeding my ego.

Not even just Michael, my best friend, whose words and actions are the ultimate food source for my ever-hungry ego.

No. Someone else.

A few days ago, I re-made a friend I already had. O_o

What I mean is, we'd always been aware of each other, but never taken to the time to get to know each other.

So finally, we did.

And we really could have something.

But if not, it feels fantastic to know I'm appreciated.

And by someone I appreciate, too.

It's sort of hard for me to believe, but Michael did in fact spent the whole night at his house babysitting. I missed him, so I stopped in for a quick... ego refuel. And I confessed to him that I kind of use him for those in a sense. But he said he'll still be there for me, until he moves in September. Hopefully, I won't need him so much by then.

But even without Michael by my side. I did it.

And for the "thanks" I got, I was a tad ungrateful, so I expressed that.

Then... he did say he loved me.

He mumbled it. While walking away.

I wish he was deeper so I didn't always know what he meant.

And still, I wish he would just SAY what he meant.

I understand what he means no matter what, but I guess the difference is... if he'd just SAY what he meant, then he'd KNOW I understood it.

It's so hypocritical of me to say people should be straightforward with other. What with the metaphors and all. Haha.

This is just how I express myself. I only am straightforward with someone I trust.

...And here it comes...

Of course he doesn't trust me. Maybe he doesn't trust anyone, which could explain why he's never serious with anyone. And that would mean we have a lot more in common than I figured...

I haven't been totally straightforward with him either... On purpose... I guess I don't want him to know I'm stupid enough to trust him.

A stranger.

But it's possible that I still can earn his trust, with time.

And if there's anything that's particularly abundant in my life, it's time.

I may have finished one race last, but perhaps...

ROUND TWO.

So I'm not over it.

Because it's not over.