desire

i'm dying to do more. i'm falling short in every aspect that drives me. everything i want, everything that makes me try, every goal i have.. i'm failing. i want to be brilliant, and artistic, and beautiful, and outspoken, and witty, and smart. i want to live up to my standards for once. i want to accomplish the unthinkable, i want to prove the world wrong. when will i ever feel the complete fulfillment in being proud of myself. when will my heart feel free of burden that keeps me from filling this void between dreams and reality? it's all fine and well when i'm almost there, when everyone tells me i'm doing great, when they say i'll be someone, i'll go far. it's wonderful when someone reads what i wrote, and says it's nice, when they say i'm good. but when will i ever be able to say that. when will i ever honestly be happy with something i've done. i'm striving for meaning, and passion, and a voice. i don't want someone to read my writing. i want them to feel it. i want them to know that it's real. that i means something. i want to write something that will change someones life. that will give them hope. that will give them closure. or that will open a whole new door. i need a drive. i need a passion. where is it? where is this force? where is this drive? where is this passion? writing isn't something you learn, and i think that's why i'm so terrible at it. i try to hard. to please myself. how can i expect to ever please anyone else. i have this uncanny desire, but it goes nowhere if i think about it so hard, that eventually it fades into hopelessness. what was i born for? was i born to fail? was i born to push my true dreams aside, and take on some fake reality? just to live up to others standards? where has my passion gone? where has my hope gone? so many questions i ask myself, and i have all the answers, but they're so deeply hidden, that i can't even find them. i'm trying so hard to force myself into this artistic life, into this beautiful world. where everything makes sense, and i can turn every pain, and every sorrow, every joy, and every love into something even more gorgeous, and remarkable than it already is. i want to pour emotion into this world, i want to put my mark on this place. but how? with what? when? i want to make one person, just one, feel something so powerful, that they will always remember my name. that they will thank me, for something they can't explain to anyone, not even themselves. i want them to feel something they can't describe, i want them to feel what i feel, and know what i know.

i'm rambling.. in the end, my dreams seem so far, and there is so much space between them, and myself. will i reach them? i don't know. will i make a difference? i don't know. but then again, what does anyone know?