I'm a HAZARD to myself. DONTLETMEGETME. I'm NOT O-***ING-KAY.

I'm unbeleivably PISSED today.

IDK why exactly, I just feel awful.

Last night was good though. well sorta. We won the soccer match && we're off to the finals and I was texting with this guy from school. He's really nice, we went to the boys like girls concert together and he's an amazing drummer. He even offered to help set up the drumset I'm getting for my birthday.

But a few hours later my ex called, apparently he's trying to make up for all the shit he's done.

The thing is we're 6 years apart. We broke up because he's ashamed of that fact ,and he got sick of his so called FRIENDS judging him.

He's making up by telling everyone about me now. Better L A T E than N E V E R right?

NOT.

It's just so hard to adjust all of a sudden. The past really did hurt me && I'm still trying to learn how to get over it and heal the wounds.

And now he thinks that if he shows me off and shit everything's gonna be okay.

But it's NOT O-FUCKING-KAY.

I used to believe that one day we'll have the kids that we already named.

I used to believe that I'm safe from the world in his arms.

I used to believe that I could be anything I wanted to be.

I used to believe that people could learn to live together without prejudice.

BUT NOW I've learned that that's all bullshit.

People judge other people. The world has it's ups and downs. When they ask pre-school kids what they wanted to be when they grow up, it's all just a joke to make them happy till they realize that the world could be CRUEL.

&& theres this commercial on TV that says that the statistics show that children who don't interact with their family and don't sit down and have dinner with their parents are MOST LIKELY to do drugs, drink, and smoke.

That just made me feel WORST.

I don't want to feel worst for having a dsysfunctional family

I don't wanna feel worst for making the mistakes I've made

I don't wanna feel worst for being an oustcast that everyone could take advantage of

I don't wanna feel worst for battling wars against myself

I don't wanna fell worst for slipping back into my social anxiety

I don't wanna feel worst for slipping back into my eating disorder

I don't wanna feel worst for falling in love with someone I've lost

I don't want to come home to an empty house

I don't wanna come home and find NO comfort

I don't wanna be reminded that I'm alone

I don't wanna daydream about how different my life would be if I were someone else

I don't want the drugs

I want to be fucking HAPPY without doing something I'd be upset about in the long run

BUT unfortunately I HAVE to live with it.

I want friends who I could depend on.

I don't want to be too nervous to go up to people.

Watching re-runs of that 70's show doesn't make me smile anymore.

Watching MRC dvd's doesn't make me feel good anymore.

I want something more.

I fell so damn low right now, maybe I just need someone to talk to, IDK really.

Please hear me out?

I want to meet new people, have new dreams. please, ANYTHING and ANYONE.

Advice, comments, love, friendship, whatever.

I need to distract myself from where I am.