Journal #1

honestly i don't know what to say. i don't now how explain how i feel inside. how to ask for understanding or just a simple hug. i don't realy want to talk about it. but i want someone to care enough to ask questions that hurt. you know, pain is only temperary but scars can stay longer and sometimes forever.

I feel like someone has slapped me hard in the face and punched me in the stomach. i just want to hold my breath and cry every emotion out of my body. let everything out and only keep the shell. i hate me i hate me i hate me but somehow i am still in love with some part of me. i don't exactly know what part but there has to be something doesn't there? or maybe nothing at all. maybe that is why i feel lifeless. i scream inside for something i have done long ago and have yet to let out. i shall never let it out, it will go with me to the grave. my hands have not stopped shaking from the thought of someone finding out that i am.....never was...and never will be...ok. with me myself and i. i will never love myself. will never like what i see in the mirror. i just want to get away from being me. away from everything. and then i will be able to start from scratch and work my way through life without the burden of the life i would have had to carry on my shoulders. but from that point i would be able to gain the knowledge of the most importiant things in life. but all of this is just a far off image in a dream.