Can't cope. =[

i can't cope anymore, i just need to rant.

iIt really is quite a horrible, to feel like you don't have a purpose-a reason to live.
i used to live for him.
i can feel everyone rolling their eyes, you should life for yourself and noone else. But thats not true to me, i used to feel so depressed before Joseph walked into my life. i felt like an empty shell, trying to please everyone but sinking lower and lower constantly. Yet, when i met him a spark of life came back to me.
i was happy again, smiling all the time, the emptiness vanished for a while and i discovered the meaning of live life to the full.

And then i realized what he was really like, i suppose i should have known from day one, like it wasn't completely OBVIOUS that he was using me. But i guess i noticed it a couple of months on, but i was too scared to tell anyone, too scared to stand up to him. i just let him get what he wanted. He'd ignore me when he wanted too, phone me every known and then when he wanted to see me-i was in love.
Willing to do anything for him. Just a pathetic little immature brat.
.. i felt worthless, used the hole came back, much worse than before but i managed to keep up with the charade because when i saw him again the peices would momentarily mend, just seeing his beautiful face and pretending that he cared-just a little, tiny bit.

But still, i was falling apart. It looked like i was coping, but i wasn't i felt like i was going crazy. i started beating myself up physically as well as mentally. i started selfharming again, i think people started noticing. So i was more careful and people forgot.
The only person who knew was him he'd see the halfhealed cuts covering the scars all down my fat thighs. i think he liked it, he never told me i shouldn't do it... i found out he was cheating on me, probably from square one.

That made the pain i was feeling unbearable. i told him i knew, i had concrete proof yet he still denied it. i know i'm mucked up: but once again it was just easier to pretend. i lost all trust i had, and just felt so lost.
He started to get controlling, thinking i was unfaithful to him--like i would, ever.
i split up with him as i couldn't bare the thought of what was going on, and i felt so unbearably guilty about it. He begged for me back, saying he had changed; yeah right! He started threatening to kill himself, saying he had given up. Which frightened me more than anything, because i knew that feeling oh so well. i fled right back into his arms, and the whole thing started again. i knew he hadn't changed, i bet he was with a different girl everynight.

i felt so dirty. You couldn't say no to Mr. Joe. His girlfriend? Was stunning, so pretty. i hated myself a little bit more everyday, being with him didn't ease the pain anymore, it made it worse. But he was like my drug, i could not live without him. i tried to change, to become pretty so he wouldn't ate me, so maybe he'd want to care about me? it didn't work. i felt so gross all the time, i had to do something about it: so i stopped eating. it was so good to be incontrol of something. The feeling of loosing weight was amazing. it didn't really make me feel better, or prettier...But i had control. He noticed, and seemed to like it, sometimes. Every known and then he'd tell me i was getting too fat, and i'd refuse to eat at all for as long as i could bare.
"/

it just kept on going on and on. i just became immune to it, he was hurting me more with each passing day, but i didn't notice it anymore. Because nothing mattered, i stopped feeling everything went blurring and weeks were going past quickly, i can't even remember now-its like weeks of my life never happend.

i decided i needed to escape, he was killing me. i forgot how to be happy. Everything was just an automatic reaction, smiling, laughing, going out, none of it was genuine. And i bet i hurt so many people. i stopped seeing him, it became such agony. i couldn't bare to hear or say his name.

He'd turn up at my house when my parents were at work.

i didn't talk to him for so long after that day. That hurt me more emotionally than i'd ever been hurt in my life. After 3months i needed him. It was too hard to keep my heart beating.

i explained to him how i felt, i can remember that: clearly.

"i miss us, i miss you so much its unbearable. i miss your hugs, i miss our days out, and are cosy days in bed. and i miss having fun.
;)"

don't miss "us" because there never was an "us". i was just stupid to believe a tonne of lies. "/you had someone else. and it wasn't fair to do that to her.

"emma was full of shit, you werent =[ there was an us"

she obviously wasn't.
:)
you know how many months i felt like killing myself, because i felt so worthless and horrible and dirty? and everytime i saw you it got a little easier, but also worse. and the fact that you kept on telling me lies, that i can't believe anything anyone says to me. :) i fucking loved you Joseph, more than i ever loved anyone, and i guess i still do, because it won't go away.

"ill just go kill myself
sorry for everything sorry i was a twat "

Even then he still had the cheek to fuck about with my feelings, to make me feel guilty.

i saw him again, kinda recently?
The same old happened.

=I it was as if nothing had changed.

i sat there and cried, while he had to go help his parents, and he came in and didn't understand what he'd done.

i though i had started to heal, but i hadn't.

And now he goes on flaunting his new "somebody", i shouldn't give a shit.

i honestly hate him, yet such a big part of me still loves him so much.

i started to try and begin to sort out my life, trying to look towards the future.

Thinking of colleges, and work, and dreams.

But i don't know what to do. The self hate is so crushing. i bet peple think its some sort of attention thing, but i can't look in the mirror without feeling sick, i'm always going to be repulsive, and fat, and ugly.
And never good enough for anyone

i don't know what to do anymore. i just wish i could die. Make everyones life easier, stop this pain.

i wish i were able to smile and mean it, to not cry myself to sleep eat night and have those same dreams, to be able to be happy with who i am, and to have hopes and goals to aim for. But most of all i wish i was good enough for someone.

just to have someone who wants to spend time with me, and hug me and not just to use me. Someone i can cuddle up to and they don't hate me.
i want to be able to trust

i am just purely pathetic, to the point that it is rather ridiculous.