Someone ***ing help me I am so frustrated...really need help....HELP!!!!

Ok, I'm trying to make a layout for my profile.
I have been trying to find a template or something, I've been at it all fucking day and it's just making it look more retarded!!!!
>=[
I DON'T UNDERSTAND CSS.
God, someone help me before I shoot myself.
And no, I can't post this in a forum. Because they banned me, for no reason.
GAH.
helphelphelp.
I really just want to make a layout that has the background image I want, and colours I want. Otherwise, just a normal layout. And I'm rapidly going insane trying to work this out :'(

thanks ._.

xo. porcelain