I need advice on how to make possibly the hardest decision of my life. Help.

I really need some advice. I don't really have long to consider it either. I'm so torn, I don't know what to do.

My older brother is dying. He's twenty-two...It's his twenty-third birthday the day after tomorrow, and he's on his death bed. How does that make sense? He's in a hospice right now.

He hasn't even been ill that long. See, he had spinal cancer a few years back. He was fine, though, he got through it and we were told the chance of him relapsing was small. But the other month, he was diagnosed with leukimia. They said it was a side-effect of the chemotherapy he had a few years ago, that it's a rare reaction some people have to it.

They couldn't do anything for him. He couldn't have more chemo, he was too sick, his body couldn't take any more. He couldn't have a bone-marrow transplant without having chemo first. He wasn't eligible for many clinical trials at all and there just wasn't anytime for him to start any trials. It was pretty much hopeless situation.

And so here we are, just a few weeks down the line. Its happened so quickly. He's healthy and then BOOM. I don't get how the chemo that was supposed to make him better a few years ago could do this to him.

Wer're all angry. And so so sad. The doctor who looked after him just before he went into hospice said to my mum, "Write a prescription for forgivness. He wasn't meant to be here."

Maybe he wasn't. But now I have a choice to make. The hospice nurses said my brother has a few days, at the most. I havn't even seen him since he went into hospice. Do I want to? Should I? I've been asked if I want to come and say goodbye, or if I want to be there when he dies, like my mum and dad will be. I honestly don't know what I want to do. I don't know if I want to see him one last time, or if I want to hold him in my memory forever as he was when I last saw him. He was sick then too, but...At least it wasn't so heartbreaking.

Do I want to be there when he dies? If I'm there, will that always be the memory that comes to me when I think of him? Would he WANT me to be there? Right now, he's not really in a position to say himself. My dad says he's in and out of sleep, but he's really not with it at all, and soon he'll be pretty much in a coma. I don't know if he'd want me, his little sister, to see him dying, you know?

I know no one can answer these questions for me, but I just don't know what to do. I keep making my mind up and then doubting my decision.

Please, I need advice. What do I do? How do I decide?