What I have Become

I'm tired, tired of everything in this world. Well, at least thats what I think. I'm not the perfect daughter anymore who use to be praised for everything she did. I'm not the person who brings the medal home, I'm all alone thats me.

Everything is not so easy now, all the joy in my life sucked out. Its like my skies have turned grey, it hasn't turned pitch black but it's grey anyway. All the warmth and fuzzy feeling I use to get inside is GONE! It's like I dont even feel anything anymore, its so empty in there.

All seems so dull, everythings changing, bad to good and good to bad, and its so fast. It's like one minute your friends with so many people, you're top of your class, your parents are there praising you and then the next, you're a social zero, everyones saying you're a huge failure, your parents dont give a fuck anymore because you're just a big disappointment to them. They're all asking you, "What Happened To You?"

But... What if, nothing happened to me. What if I was always this way, I just wanted to make everyone think I'm that way. What if luck just got me and I became that. For real, I'm just so sick, of trying to be at the TOP, I'm so sick of doing things I dont wanna do just for pride of others, I'm so sick of letting people tell me to pretend to be someone I'm not, sick of doing shit that is against MY will!

And for a fucking change I wanna be actually ME! I wanna let them see my true colors. That I have a sense of humor, I'm sarcastic, I like weird uncool things and I like to act all stupid, and unusual! But I cant! Because eveyone things its a big NO!!

All those years of being the pride and joy of everyone, and all those years, I THOUGHT I was happy - built up a virus inside me!

Now its eating inside me... making me gloomier everyday. Making me not care, making me just so sad for no reason. I think its maybe because of how I realized that I wasted so many years of my life on the pathetic words of others.

Now, there is seriously something wrong with me. Its not just any sad transe again, I reckon this time is really SERIOUS. But I try, very hard, to over come it.

Sometimes, when I look at the mirror, I almost cant recognize who I'm looking at. This wasn't the push over person I use to know. It was a sad, gloomy, tired girl who just needed an escape from everything she's been through. Yet, that look didn't satisfy me, what I really wanted to see was a happy, carefree, normal girl that lived her life to the fullest. I'm still looking for that one.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:33pm