never again!

9:00p.m.

ok guys and girls here i am again telling you about my life. you if want to here it or not. i am living a lie. i love a girl that for some reason still loves me too. i am hurting her with everything thing i do. (triple c's and cutting, not having sex) i do not know what to do. to top it off i just do not think i am that in to girls. i know right! i am a freak.... but before the night is out i will figure this out.

9:30p.m.
i talked to sarah. she says that everything will be ok and i want to belive her. there is just something inside me that says i would just be doing them all a fav. if i just dropped off the map for a while. i cant hurt them anymore. i love them to much.

10:00 p.m.
.i called tori she sound sad. i think i let her down agian. i cant keep on doing this to her. i just want to ran away and hide. get better then try to find her again. that would just tear her up worse. i love her but i am just not doing to good in this whole relationship thing. i feel like shit all the time and i cant be happy with her anymore. i want to be. i just cant and i am tired of pulling her down.

10:37 p.m.
just got off the phone with taylor. she invited me to a party sat. but, i feel like shit from withdraws. i love her so much. taylor, shelly, sarah, tori, and ashley! they are the only thing keeping me here. the bad thing is that i may have to leave them for there own well being. i will not bring them down again. (put them though hell) they care more about me then anyone else in this world and i can not think of a world without there funny in sights on life.

10:44 p.m.
i love tori but, there is something wrong with me. my feelings are all messed up. i know i love her but, i cant get my mind around the forever and always thing. i am just so sad, and messed up right now i cant have a girlfriend.... (someone slap me) i cant belive what i am thinking. i just fought so hard to get her back and just like that i am depressed, trying to push everyone that i love away again.

11:00 p.m.
tori i love you. i cant put you though hell agian. i do not want to put you though hell. i am going though hell and i cant get out! i feel like the devil is on my back.everything hurts and i want to die. if anyone is reading this please help me. i do not want to live like this anymore. i just cant live like this.

11:05 p.m.
shakking and hurting bad. pain is everywhere and i am so depressed it is not even funny. i do not know if i will make it though the night. if i do not i just want you guys to know this.

tori: i love you, i am just in so much pain that i cant seem to get my life on track. i am scared. sooo scared. i do not want to lose you but i do not want to put you though hell agian. i promised you that i would not and, i wont. i need help. i cant make it out alone.

sarah: mama:you and me have always hit it off will. you have been there a long time and there was a few hard spots here and there but you helped me push though it! thank you for everything that you have ever done for me! Much Love Hun!

taylor:sister: thanks for holding my head up high. you always know what to say to get a smile back on my face when everthing is going black. you really are like a sister to me and i would never trade you in for anything!

shelly: step brother?: man you are cool you are great to hang out with. the most easy going guy that i have ever meet. you and me are great friend even if we butt heads on video games! (smiles) dude you rock and you are one of thoughs guys that will never change. i like that about you. i always know what to think when i see you.

ashley:dyke: i have never stopped loveing you! you are one of my best friends that ican call if anything is ever wrong! you always put a smile on my face. the one thing that i can say about you is you are never the quite one sitting in the corner. (laughs) you make you appernce known!

11:10 p.m. i think i can make it i just do not know what to do about everthing.i need a new start somewhere. i just got nowhere else to run too. i am good here i guess. i just feel like i am not being true to tori and i want to be. i will never learn! I AM MEANT TO BE ALONE! make it though mylife alone. grow old alone and die alone. old and forgotten.

tori i am sorry.

one day i will learn.

11:11 p.m.
i guess this is my time to make a wish.
i hope it comes true.