Longing

Psalm 63:1 (NIV)
"O God, You are my God,
earnestly I seek You;
my soul thirsts for You,
my body longs for You,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water."

Earnestly - done with an intensely serious state of mind; diligently - done with steady, earnest, and energetic effort.

Seek - to search for; to try and reach or obtain

Thirst - an ardent (passionate) desire

Long - to feel a strong desire or wish; yearn

Dry - lacking freshness, stale

Weary - having ones patience, tolerance or pleasure exhausted

*(Definitions from The Merriam Webster Dictionary, 2004 edition)

What are you longing for? What sustains your efforts when weariness sets in? What motivates you internally? What drives your actions and choices on a day to day basis? What are you earnestly seeking for? What is the one thing that you believe will bring satisfaction once obtained? With what do you weary yourself in pursuit of?

I think, for myself, peace of mind was my constant desire. Peace of mind at any cost. I didn't want to examine my beliefs too closely, because if I did, the answers might cost me that peace of mind. Denial of the reality of an imperfect world populated by imperfect people was my modus operandi. Denial in that realm was necessary in order to keep my image of God intact. I mean, God's greatest goal was my personal happiness, comfort and success, wasn't it? All God's people are healthy, happy and wealthy, right? So I devoted a tremendous amount of mental and emotional effort to keeping that illusion intact.

But then those nights would come when the veneer would begin to crack and peel, and it was starting to take too much effort to sustain that level of self-deception - and the questions would stalk me through the dark hours before morning...

If God is good and loving, isn't His ultimate goal my happiness and comfort? If He knew about bad things that were going to happen in my life before they occurred, why didn't He stop them? He could, He's omnipotent and omniscient, isn't He? Wouldn't real love seek to protect me from pain, trouble and hardship? What about genocide, starving children, the Holocaust, tsunami's, earthquakes, famines, child abuse, greed, poverty?

The Holy Spirit was relentlessly pursuing intimacy with me...challenging the lies I clung to in my desperate attempt to believe all is well with the world...and bringing up the truth of my honest questions from a heart raging with a thirst for something genuine.

Intimacy and relationship with my Creator demanded an honesty that went beyond platitudes and Christian jargon. Pat answers in the face of the reality of a world full of evil, natural disasters and injustice could never satisfy the deep cries of "Why??!" that echo in the heart and mind of one who lived amongst the wreckage of sin-shattered lives - especially when the devastation originated from sources beyond my control.

And the constant tugging of my own personal depravity caused a dissonance that often found me scurrying to cover up with good deeds, church attendance and/or Bible study...but the haunting whys always returned in the silence...where is that longing for congruency and authenticity satisfied?

My experience has been that in the midst of honest wrestling with these questions, comes an answer that offers peace in the middle of the night when no one else is around, and the reality of my failings and inability to change certain situations is unavoidable. That place is in the arms of the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob - the Holy One of Israel, Who alone dwells in inapproachable light, Who calls things that are not as if they were, Who created the heavens and the earth and all they contain. And He stoops to speak peace to me His child, purchased with Jesus' blood, and comforts me in my anguish.

My prayer is that as you wrestle with similar questions, You will find Your Creator meeting You there, and you find genuine satisfaction.