The irritated ramblings of a tired soul

To whom it may concern,

I am sure that the dismay caused by this fabulous letter is going to shake the very foundations of the thing called friendship. After reviewing the past year, I have reached a very disturbing realization. The people that I love, love me because I am useful to them. It hurts me greatly to think and feel this but what has happened over the past two weeks or so has left me bloodied, broken and hurting. I have never in my life thought that another person could injure me like ally did but unfortunately I have miraculously found another. The pain that is drawn to me is taking its toll and although I see and recognize the unhealthy relationship I cannot seem to break the bonds that have held me captivated for years. No I do not believe that I can fix the problems or errors of others. But feel that maybe I can offer a different point of view to the dilemmas that haunt the young and naive day after day. The drama of my life is unfolding in a way it hasnt in about a year and everytime I turn around I am being told that I love being miserable and will always be that way. I, however, beg to differ. Despite my best efforts a particular individual in my life just seems to enjoy causing the very thing that I absolutely cannot stand and is causing pain agony and torment because of it. At the same time the people that are newest to my life are pushing me to trust and be open with them, I am not quite sure that I wish this to occur. The very complicated patterns of my life seem to be blurring into confusion and the efforts of keeping the people closest to me at bay are starting to become burdensome to me. I need a vacation and a break however I cannot leave. I have recently taken on a huge load of responsibilities and feel for the first time that I should not and cannot just shrug them off. Words to the gossipers I am not going anywhere any time soon, the absolute soonest I will be leaving is Thanksgiving, a road trip with my family to see people that I hope have forgotten a few misdeeds. The very idea of running off to some strange place alone is absolutely repulsive and its irritating that someone so close to me cannot seem to read in between the lines of what I say and what I mean. nine years should be enough time to learn how to read me dont you think?? I dont know yet how I feel or who I am going to be and its scary to me when I am alone and need someone that I have no one to turn to. I cry out at night for a release from the suffering of my heart and just hear the darkened echoes that haunt my reality. The reality that sucks you in like a vaccumm and wont release you til you have been broken lying on the floor black and blue with the tears of remorse streaming down a ghoulish face twisted in agony resentment and hatred. Its the darkness that controls and feeds off of a person til there is nothing left, it is an all consuming fire killing and leaving. Maybe one day life will return Until then mourn for the lost the dying and the hated. It is they that the world should be hoping to save. As Jesus said why do the well need a healer, I come to help the sick.

Lauren Lottie

The irritated ramblings of a tired soul