Sometimes Denial is Better

Ok, so I've finally accepted some stuff in my life. You know how we all get emotional sometimes? Well, last time I did, I decided to not worry about it anymore. See, the thing is that instead of saying, "I'm gonna fix all my problems by being a better me." I've decided to not worry about them by accepting them.

For instance, my Enlish teacher doesn't like me. She never will. She's told me that I'm the best writer in the class yet she continually gives me B- on my essays. She tells me that I should help other students in the class yet the minute I do, she yells at me that I'm being disruptive! She's gotten the assistant principal against me. I swear, you write a few grim sentences for a psudo religious lady and suddenly you're the anti-christ. Well, due to that, I stopped caring if I got an F in that class... Like, when I sit here in my room, I feel like it's bad, but when I'm at school, I could care less. It's like the more I'm there, the less I care.

She's not the only one who thinks I'm the anti-christ. My mom hates me for coming out to her. She hates how I dress, she hates that I like girls, she just isn't pleasant about it. And I've given up on worrying about that, too.

I don't know. It seems like acceptance is supposed to be good, but the more I accept it, the more it seems like I'm dooming myself to never getting out of ShizCity, So Cali, you know?

Maybe I haven't truely accepted it? Maybe I'm not cut out for school? Maybe I need a change of pace? I have no idea, but I'm having trouble concentrating, I'm having trouble caring about my grades, I'm having trouble having fun half the time, too, because I'm slightly concerned that my life is going to stay like this and yet I can't motivate myself to change any of it.

I think anger is actually better than acceptance for me. At least when I was angry I didn't quit. But so much bad stuff would happen when I was angry. I mean, I would get pissed off at nothing, I would do crazy stuff. Don't get me wrong, I still do crazy stuff, but now I'm annoyed with the world.

I wish I hadn't reached this final stage of grief.