Lestat vs Edward

I borrowed this from a girl's blog on another site.
For all of you Twilight haters, prepare to be vindicated.
For all of you Twilight obsessors, don't even bother bitching at me via comment. I'll just delete them.

A STREET IN NEW ORLEANS, PRESENT DAY- 2 IN THE MORNING

[LESTAT DE LIONCOURT, a seductive blond vampire is walking down a deserted street in the French Quarter. He is looking for his latest kill. There is no one else on the street with him.

Footsteps are heard in the distance. Lestat turns. A victim? Lestat hides in the shadows and pounces on the boy walking down the street. There is a scuffle. Lestat pins him to the sidewalk and just as he is about to feed on him, the boy speaks.]

BOY: Don't! I'm one of you!

LESTAT: [Speaks like a cross between a New Orleans boatman and Sam Spade.]
What do you mean?

BOY: I'm a vampire! My name is Edward Cullen.

LESTAT: I'm sorry! My name's Lestat de Lioncourt. I mistook you for a human. Come, hunt with me.

EDWARD: I'm sorry, I'd love to, but I don't drink human blood.

LESTAT: [moment of silence]
Don't drink human blood? How is it that you survive?

EDWARD: Every week my father takes me and my family hunting, and we drink animal blood.

LESTAT: [moment of silence. then laughs hysterically]
Animal blood! Animal blood! But human blood is so delicious--the act of taking it is so sensual, better than sex of any sort. Many a fine hour have I spent feasting on mortals; it is what we vampires are for. And you're seventy years old and still living with a coven! Vampires are solitary creatures, there's no way we can coexist!

EDWARD: Not me! I am in love with a mortal and I will not drink human blood!

LESTAT: [disdain in his voice]
In love....with a mortal?

EDWARD: Her name is Bella Swan.

LESTAT: I see...but surely you're planning on turning her?

EDWARD: I will never share my curse with Bella! I love her too much.

LESTAT: Vampirism is not a curse! You must enjoy your immortality. (pause) You remind me of Louis. Except not as tortured and philosophical. You're a boring teenage version of Louis. Do you know that?

EDWARD: Who's Louis?

LESTAT: One of my old lovers. He's in love with his diseased Claudia. I'm madly in love with him because he reminds me of Nicolas. Also dead from my fault. But what do you know of this sort of thing, mon petit?

EDWARD: [hesitant] I tried to kill myself once.

LESTAT: So have I. Did you step into the sun? I did, only to find that due to consuming the blood of the mother of all vampires, I am too strong and cannot be killed. Therefore, I am doomed to never die, even if I wish to.

EDWARD: I stepped into the sun so people would see me sparkling like diamonds and hopefully kill me.

LESTAT: You sparkle in sunlight...So you can go out during the day?

EDWARD: Sure! I do it all the time.

LESTAT: [lunges at Edward with all his preternatural strength]
You bastard! Do you know what I would do to see the sun again?
Don't you understand vampirism comes with benefits, such as immortality, telepathy, pyrokenisis, but it also comes at a price, and one of those is that you cannot see the sun or you die! That's what's wrong with your stupid vampires--it's too easy for you! You can survive on minuscule amounts of blood--we have to kill to live. You can go out during the day--we usually burn if we see the sun-- my exception included if one does not count that first time. You can have sex--we are sterile. We are tortured souls--you play baseball.

EDWARD: Well... [thinking hard] we have werewolves chasing after us....

LESTAT: It's been done!

EDWARD: And I have an insatiable thirst for my beloved's blood, a thirst so dangerous, I left her once to protect her and--

LESTAT: [scoffs] Oh, really? Is that the extent of your troubles? I awoke the Queen Of the Damned with my violin playing, who then proceeded to destroy the world, while I watched helplessly. What have you ever done that could constitute conflict?

EDWARD: There was a vampire trying to feed on my girl once...

LESTAT: Laisse il! Let him! No one likes your stupid Bella anyway! Now Claudia, there's a fully developed character who has traits other than ' is in love with Edward.'

EDWARD: But..but--

LESTAT: I have had enough of your angsty teenage vampire problems!

[Lestat concentrates and sets Edward ablaze. Edward burns uncontrollably from the inside out and dies. BELLA SWAN hears the ruckus and runs out of a nearby bar.]

BELLA: [falls to the ground by her boyfriend's crispy head]
Edward! Oh, Edward!

[Lestat pounces on the melodramtic teenager and drinks her blood. He smacks his lips, fixes his hair, and gets up to leave, simultaneouslysetting Bella on fire to destroy the evidence. Lestat then goes home and all the REAL vampires celebrate the death of their wannabe counterparts.]

FADE OUT