Ugh Love What Am I Going To Do With It

it is not that I don't like him(a guy i actually do like) because I do sometimes I actually think I'm in love with him, but he has done a lot of things that he should have never done but I can't take it back. Now I feel like he probably is improving actually changing his life but I can't see it yet, it is like my eyes are still blocked. Yet i was the only one who loved him during his rough time.
Yes his rough time was really rough, he did horrible things said horrible stuff, but I'm not innocent because I said fucked up shit to him and I pushed him away tons of times.
If i think about it now which I do a lot I always push him away yet I want him to stay.
It is like I want him to stay a good length away from me but enough so that if I reach my hand out I can take his hand and bring him back.
But NOW....NOW I just want him to be there and he isn't. Kills me all the time when he is away, I really want him to fight to just stay by my side but he didn't fight hard, he never fights hard enough.
I'm starting to believe I fell in love with someone because I saw the good in them, not because I just saw all of him...no one liked him, had faith in him, left him alone but I was always there. So I think because of that is the reason why I fell for the good in him. I believed he could've changed even when he proved me wrong sad yes I know but that's what happens when you are in love.
And when I bash on him well....ok half of me means it but the other half actually is reflecting.
I'm not in love with myself, I don't like any part of me so I take it out on him. Harsh, not fair and down right bitchy I know and I can apologize forty billion times and yet it doesn't feel like enough to me.
What the fuck should I do man? Do i say hey look I'm sorry let's be together because in actuality I need you because you are constantly in my thoughts or do I say hey buddy let's remain friends even though he would forever consider me his girlfriend?
Oh the last problem of this is that I pushed him so far away that I feel on our bridge the space between us is the missing pieces of wood, so one step forward would mean I fall.
Sucks right? Yes it sucks so I feel awkwards talking to him and my mind races and my heart is bouncing around in my chest. UGHHH!