Nostalgia Eats Me Up

I miss how we used to be, before you moved away. I miss how we used to email each other song lyrics and I'd write letters and we'd talk all the time.

I miss when you and I were close, so much closer than the way we are now. I miss wandering the city at night, and eating Taco Bell, and having philosophical conversations about nothing important. I miss when I knew about everyone in your life, and I couldn't believe when I found out about you being first a year later. I'm sorry I'm annoying, I'm sorry I restrict you, I'm sorry I complain so much. I'm sorry.

I don't know what to tell you that I miss, because I don't know if there is anything to miss. I wish we were closer, that I could be included in those conversations at lunch after everyone else has left. I wish you didn't think that he and I are going to fall apart, because it kills me inside that everyone thinks we aren't going to make it. I'm sorry I've been so annoying, but I'm trying to change, and I'm glad you've noticed.

I'm sorry you and I don't seem to get along well. I'm sorry we have a tendancy to bitch about each other to everyone else. I wish we could be better friends. I wish we didn't have to be so fake.

I miss how we were friends, before I made you depressed and you tried to kill yourself. I'm sorry there were so many misunderstandings and I would have helped if you had told me that anything was wrong but you didn't so I don't understand how it's all my fault but at the same time I wish I had been there and I feel so bad and I want to kill myself to show you that you were wrong about me. I'm trying to reply to your letter, but I can't make the words come out right.

I'm sorry that the guy you like likes my picture and talks to me and gets annoyed. I never meant to come between you two, I tried to help, and I would stop if I could, but I'm afraid of losing another friendship and pushing people into relationships that they don't want to be in, again.

I miss when you were my best friend and how we'd hang out all the time and see movies and get scared of the footsteps when we'd sleep in my basement. I miss having you around to tell all of my secrets to. I'm sorry you got hurt. I never meant to do anything to cause you pain. I wish I could take it all back. I've tried to fix it, I've done all I can think of, but none of it seems to be working. I wish you would just tell me exactly what I've done wrong, what I'm still doing wrong, because I miss you so much and I need to fix it and I don't know how, and I'm afraid that you don't want me to.

I miss the way we were before school ended, when we'd go out on the weekends and steam up your car windows and spend so much time together. I miss being able to see you every day. I'm sorry about when I get clingy, and I'm sorry that I get hurt. I wish you'd let yourself get jealous, because I need for somebody to care about what I do. I love you and I'm afraid and I'm sure that you're going to find somebody better now that you're off to college to become someone amazing, and I can't help being terrified that I'm going to lose you. I need you, and I'm afraid of it.

I'm sorry this made me cry.