Having anxieties over seeing your best friend is probably a bad sign, right?

Alright, so like I said in my last journal, I didn't get the job and I had to change my plans of moving to Columbus.

Well, I sent a message to Stephy telling her I didn't get the job, that I won't be moving, etc.I wasn't trying to upset her, make up unhappy, or anything like that. I was, admittedly, looking for a little support. I wanted to know that even when things don't work out, basically because of me, that she'll still have my back. Nope, not the case at all. She didn't reply.

I got a text from her today asking if mom and I were coming down tomorrow night, because she needed to know. I told her mom still hadn't given me an answer and that I'd let her know as soon as I could. She told me she got my message but didn't want to respond because she was unhappy and upset.

Later, I called mom to ask if we were going tomorrow night. She said she didn't know. I told her that Stephy needed to know. I got b*tched at for having an attitude. I told Stephy that mom won't have an answer til tomorrow morning. She said "Well, that's just great." Um. I'm sorry I have no control over my mom. So, I told mom that she can talk to Stephy tomorrow because I'm not putting up with their sh*t. I have no control over when mom leaves or the fact that she's waiting so long to give an answer when Stephy needs to know for work.

So, really, I'm just kind of anxious over going down to visit. At first, I was more than a little upset. I've had many crying breakdowns over it. I've made myself feel bad over it, like I'm a loser for not getting a job and upsetting my friend by letting her down. But now, I'm over beating myself up. I have no control over it. I live in a sh*tty economy, and that makes jobs hard to get. It's not like Columbus, which has one of the highest employment rates (ours is one of the lowest in the state). If you ask me, I'm being pretty damn responsible in thinking more about myself financially than trying to move down there to please someone else. Yes, it'd be nice to move down there, but I'm not ready financially, and there's no way to get a job if I plan on moving in such a short amount of time. Really, I'm happy with my decision, and if she's so upset over it that it affects our friendship, maybe she's not as great as I think and maybe she really hasn't changed.

Anyway, on the brightside, tomorrow I'm going to the beach with a bunch of friends. It'll be great to have a day out and not have to sit around bored all day.