i'd rather burn than fade away.

just a few mins ago i sent a reply to a mate of mine. i felt like venting it on here. its the way i feel at the moment:

i hate my doctor tbh. all she does is listen to how im going (and its very brief) then talks about herself for half hour and then prints out a form for my meds. i want to get another doctor but i dunno where to go and i dont know any free clinic doctors around here anyways :\
no i havnt told them about how i feel worse, i've actually havnt told anyone tbh. i dont know how to articulate to why i feel worse, or what are the reasons because to be honest, i have no idea why i feel worse, i just do. bad memories are coming back up, i'm having nightmares which make me stay up till 4am. i'm waking up each and everyday not wanting to get out of bed, and i'm hating course and slowly rebeling it as in not doing much work and not putting 100% in my work, even if i want to, theres something thats blocking me from doing this. i think of what i want to do in the day, but then thats how far it will go, just thoughts. it annoys me.
and getting my heart crushed once again makes me feel more worse and all i want is someone to hold. i've been waiting for far too long, i want to experience some sort of relationship before i turn 20, it cant be before 18 anymore because i've past that stage. i just want to feel loved more than in a friendship kinda way. i always have friends say "i still love you". its lovely to have friends who love me, but i want a special someone to love me in a different kinda way. im sick of waiting. i feel ugly. i feel so hidious. i dont feel like chloe at the moment.
today, i didnt even get out of bed till 5:30pm! i didnt go to course and i didnt do anything. i just sat in bed, read fanfics and cried. i did get out of bed for a moment to get some chocolate for dinner. i just guts myself whilst crying. it helped for a moment, but i then felt guilty. im sick of acting like this on such random times. im sick of being like the person i am. sometimes, i wish i could just sleep forever, because my dreams (when they're happy) seem to be better than anything else in this world.
its weird, that only two months ago i was telling people you can get through this, but really, i should've believed in my own words. i just wanted to help others out. i always think about others before me.
and im stressing out because my brother is suicidal, again, and i am so so worried for him. i dont want him to die like that. it stresses me out and its piled onto the list of things that im stressing about.
im tired. im scared. im sick of this all.