uhm. my random rants? :(

More random thoughts

I have been told that I am strong. I wish I was. People have told me that I can deal with a lot. Which I can. I just don't know how much more of I can take. I can't talk to most people about it. Most have no idea why I don't just get over everything and move on with life. Hell I don't get why I can't, I just well I just can't. The people i talk to just tell me everything will be , or they just look at me because they know what to say. and i get it, i don what to say sometimes either, but i know i feeling helpless, so i try not to make others feel like that. When someone asks me about Mikey,or Sammi,or jamel, i just smile and answer their question, When inside i feel like i could just die, or like i should.

The things i can never say to any of them echo in my head, i see things that were theirs that get handed out. jen got one of Mikeys hoodies , she rub that in my face, yeah i would love to have something of his, but i don't need it to know i love him. I wish i could have told him that, I miss him more than i ever thought i would, i feel like i should be strong and just hold out to help other people, but its just very very hard.

When i think about Jamel ,memorys of a long time ago fill my head, he was the one i could go to about anything and everything. When Bobbie called me and told me that he had taken himself from us, the first thing i did was dial his number. When Bobbie answered it hit me, i had no one to run to. And yes i did run to the blade. it helped then, but it was stupid stupid. Damn i miss him.

And Sammi, well he took his life as well, i know him as well as i knew the other boys, but his last 3 pr 4 weeks i got very close to him. and he told me he was going to do it. he made me give him a hug and tell him everything that i would ever want to tell him. I didn't believe him, but i did as i was told. But i told no one. that night i was sitting on my couch and thoughts of him flashed into my head. I heard the scanner say that a teenager his own life.I felt , but as soon as said acorn lane, my heart froze. My dad looked at me weird i kept on saying Sammi, my parents said itwasnt and that i was to go to bed and they would find out tomorrow. i didn't sleep that night. When i got to school, i knew that it had been Sammi , I knew i should have told someone. but i didn't , i feel like its my fault. like i am to blame because i didn't tell anyone.

well those are my random well random.

and my advice to everyone.
if someone you love, or you just know, tells you that they are having thoughts of their lives, tell someone anyone. And if someone around you gets sick, make sure you tell them all you want to tell them, you may wake up an they may be gone...