Scared

There are a lot of things I wish I could just tell to the people I want to say them to, but I’m a coward. I know I am, and I know that’s all I’ll ever be. There is one person in my life who always seems to show up just when things are rough, and he makes them better. He can make me blush and smile like there is no tomorrow. I giggle more than usual while talking to him, and genuinely feel happy. I owe him, a lot. I have for a while, and he knows this. I don’t know how he is with remembering it or not, but I had told him I owe him the world for all he’s done for me. It’s actually pretty crazy to think about in the long-run because of just how much I rely on him. I hope he never realizes that. I truly feel like I’d collapse without him. I have reason to keep the promise just because of who the promise is to, but he makes it easier. I’ll never be able to put into words why. That’s just the way he is. He has such a playful aura around him, I can’t help it.

I would adore to become more than just his friend, but…I doubt it’ll ever happen. I know I’m not entirely ready for a relationship right now because of…Something that happened, but that doesn’t mean I’ll forever not be. I have to keep to the promise. I have to. For Anthony, I have to.

I’m afraid of becoming more than friends with him because of his lack of seriousness. It scares me. Not to mention I had seen a side of him today that scares me a ton more. I have all these fears inside of me. Ration and irrational, but neither help. I’m too scared to get too close. I’m too scared he’ll leave. I’m too scared to be myself in my entirety. I’m far too scared to admit to him that I want nothing more save for to call him my own.