Beaten Bad

He’s still my inspiration, still the words under my nails. Maybe it’s like a manga story after all, I mean, he is like a muse, I see life somewhere in his face. So, like in my beloved manga, I have to move on, I have to feel that I am better then this. I suppose I do after all, I feel like I have lost what I saw in him and that, in itself, is very sad. Perhaps with that feeling I thought was love, I’ll lose something more, maybe that’s what I’m already losing. Dan. How could you? Take my direction, take my love, my soul, my happiness. You never knew how strong you were making me, and even I still don’t know the out come. But for once, writing about you isn’t about rushing feelings I don’t understand out. It’s about me, and how I know my own feelings. I wish you hadn’t grown up. I wish we had stayed innocent, I was in love with your innocence. Man. I don’t know if this is something that’s planned or just something that happened, but I’m glad you’ve always been there when I needed you, at the weirdest times. You spurred my passions for the world once, but now you have only grown to a miserable hollow of who I once wished you were.
It’s scary to be able to see you, like I have finally opened my eyes, or a fog lifts. You weren’t so special after all, and I guess that’s what’s so scary. I sure as hell wish I hadn’t lied when I said I’d love you forever, but it turns out we were watching to much anime. I don’t remember exactly, but it was you then too, it was inu yasha I think. We watched it together, late night. You tried to get me into the most terrible shows, and man, Ninja Scroll sounded so scary then. Isn’t that strange, I’ve watched it a couple times now and it was like nothing. It would have been more meaningful if I had watched it back then with you. Oh well, I guess it wouldn’t be that different. I just like that you shared my passions, though I think you were jealous then. It hurts, me at least, to think you’ve moved on, and I think I just realized what it must be like for you too. It’s not like you’ve ever meant to hurt me, just like I never meant to hurt you. It’s just that we don’t fit very well do we? I mean, we’re perfect friends, and the fuck up was crossing that particular bridge. Man, I wrote for weeks in secret diaries what I thought of you. I remember you found them and laughed, but in the way where you were touched by something and wouldn’t admit it. I wonder if you remember when I told you I liked David, and that he was like a story book. Ha, you told me to stop reading. I think you gave me Battle Royale the next day. I think that was one of my favorite presents, I mean I still have it hidden from my mom even though I have much more ranchy books.
Who knew Dan? If David was my perfect book romance, then I guess you were my perfect Manga, ha, or anime. I just finished one called Strawberry 100%. I don’t know yet, but I think I understand us better from it. When I tried so hard to look at you I couldn’t see because I didn’t want too, now I have no reason to put on pink glasses and I really wish we could just be like little kids again. I really miss my best friend, I really miss the first guy I trusted. Why did you have to fuck that up Dan? Why couldn’t you let me trust men, and love, and people? Was it some selfish want you had? Some need to have me that I never really got. Hey, maybe I was the tease, maybe I contributed because I was niave, but I always knew we’d end up in disaster. I guess I just thought if I avoided your feelings it wouldn’t happen when in fact, I think I hurried it along.
I’m glad, that you don’t hate me. I mean, we both did exactly what we didn’t want to do when it came to our lives. Isn’t it tragic. I gave up on learning and people, and you went into the military to work for the very people you rebelled against. I guess that’s what happens, even to people like us, even to people who love and hate, and do exactly as their heart says at the moment it says it without hesitation because the world is made to beat us down. Maybe no one understands, or maybe everyone does. I don’t even know if I was ever myself around you, you mostly made me happy, I don’t think I ever showed a sad face to you. But as soon as you would leave, as soon as you weren’t looking I felt so terrible, and scared like I was doing a bad thing.

I guess.

Sometimes.

We’re all the bad thing.