The Reason I'm alive:

I think I finally figured out what it means to have best friends. When outside your bedroom window is gloomy and nearly pitch black and your bones ache from being so cold, yet you refuse to get a blanket and your sitting there with a razor in your hands twisting it between your fingers and all that’s on your mind with the blood that razor will cause, but in the back of your mind you can hear everything your friends will say. You can hear the ones that will abandon you because of it and they’re nagging, screaming about how you’re a failure at life and how you’re nothing more then just another “emo”, but the ones that will accept you for who you are, talk in soft comforting voice that somehow rise above the negative ones, telling you its ok. That you’re stronger then this and life’s just a little rough right now. The ones that you can feel around you even though they’re miles away. The ones that make it possible to feel their hands on your shoulders and even a hand on yours that’s holding the cold piece of metal. The ones that make you actually feel like someone cares about you and that though your life is rough there’s always a bright side. The ones that even if you decided to take the razor to your skin, they still accept you and just tell you that it’s ok and that you had a moment of weakness. The ones that make you feel ten times better when you wake up at three in the morning from the most graphic nightmare you can imagine and the first thing on your mind is your best friends comforting words, the dog tags that are wrapped around your neck from tossing and turning or the feel of their arms around you trying to calm your breathing and heartbeat and can make you feel ten times better by just saying those three little words that everyone takes for granted, even though they’re not even in the same state or country as you. The ones that no matter how busy they are, whether a family member’s health is at risk, their friends aren’t being the best they can be, their working ten times harder then ever before, or their sitting in a desert wasteland protecting ignorant fools in their homeland they stop and listen and make sure that you’re ok and never ignore you, even if they think they do. Your best friends are the ones who don’t look down on you when you cry, even though you’ve grown up thinking crying is weakness and sometimes even cries with you. That even though they’re miles away still, have a shoulder to cry on and often the first thing out of their mouth is “Whose ass am I kicking?” or in some cases “Who am I curb stomping this time?”. That when your ex tells you that you’re heart is too small to love anyone they quickly contradict it and tell you that he’s the one with the heart that’s too small. I’ve figured out that I have the greatest friends in the world and that there’s no reason for me to feel down anymore cause I’m loved for me. Even with all of my flaws they love me and ignore them all and say I’m perfect. That I’ve helped them more then I know. I will never understand how I help anyone, but if it’s by just listening then I’ll do it.

I’ve got a US Solider that is for some odd reason proud to be friends with me and makes me forget about everything that is wrong in my life, even if it’s just for a few minutes. I don’t get to talk to him as much as I’d like, but the times I do I always feel better after. He understands why I’m the way I am and, though doesn’t always agree, still respects my choices. He makes me laugh without even trying and though he’s got an ego he’s the best friend I could have. He’s been my friend for four years and one of my biggest heros. He stood up for me my freshman year when he didn’t even know me and honestly I don’t think I have ever seen that much fear in someone’s eyes they way that he put fear in that kids eyes.

I’ve got an Alabama girl that’s my twin, my best friend and my other half, my better half to be honest My sister from another mister. She understand what it’s like to have a messed up life and though she’s miles away never hesitates to be the shoulder I need to lean on. I’ve known her for nearly four years and though these last four years have the worst time in my life, there also the best. She stands by me even though I’ve broken the only promise I have ever made to her so many times. She doesn’t look at me any differently because she doesn’t judge me for my mistakes as long as I don’t judge her for her’s. She doesn’t view me as a fuck up even though I view myself as one. She’s there even when it’s hard for her to be. I can write a four page message and she’ll read it carefully and reply with answers just as long.

I’ve got two Jersey girls that both love me and are amazing people. One works hard, and always apologizes when she gets online that work and homework have been occupying her time when she doesn’t need to say sorry. It may take her days to reply, but as long as I get to talk to her I am fine. I’ve known her for roughly three years. She’s the sweetest person I know and to think about it I don’t know a whole lot about her, but I don’t mind. I know that she’s one of my best friends and the person I’ve dubbed the Willy Wonka to my Chocolate factory. The one that I joke around and say that the cops would know us as “Willy Wonka and the Oompa Loompa.” She may be a foot taller then me, but I love her all the same.

The other is my little sister one of the most amazing girls I know of. For her age I wish she didn’t know all that she does. I wish we could turn back time and take all the pain she’s felt away, but that maturity is what helps me so much. She uses everything she’s gone through to help the rest of us as much as she can. She thinks she’s messed up in life and yes she’s made mistakes, but if she didn’t she wouldn’t be human. She won’t be able understand life the way she does. She’s probably more mature then I am, but it makes me smile. She knows how to have fun and her random rambling puts my mind at ease and helps me more then anyone can understand. She told me a few days ago that the people she’s closest to are the people that are miles away and the ones that are around her don’t understand the way we do and looking back on these few years I agree 100%.

My best friends may not be down the street, or even on the other side of town, but they’re the greatest people that have ever lived. They are my heros, my lifelines, and the reason my heart is still beating. Though I’ve messed up in my life they’ve stuck by me and that’s all I can ask for.