I don't why I'm making this journal post -- maybe I just got the sudden rush to tell people about my war against this horrible thing that still haunts me today and so many teenagers now a day.
I was diagnosed with Anorexia nervosa when I was in 8th grade, I was 13 year old.
At this point in my life I remember looking at my friends and see how thin and fabulous the were I started thinking I was not as thin, not as pretty and not even near being as fabulous as they. So I started cutting down on what I was eating and before I knew I was even not eating for maybe 2 days in a row the only thing I put in my mouth at this time was water and soda.
My friends of course started noticing my giant weight loss and tried to talk to me about it but I wouldn't listen I felt some what that they were judging me. Of course I knew that what I was doing was far from being normal -- I was just scared that they would find out that I had some sort of eating disorder, I felt ashamed.
Not only were my friends always bugging me about these thing but my family was also worried about my weight loss in such short time. They would watch me eat my dinner and not allow me to leave the table unless I finished my meals back them I really hated them for that but now I thank them everyday for being there for me.
I would usually go to my friends just before dinnertime and tell my mom I was eating at my friends house and then when I got to my friends house I would tell them I already ate.
Also I cut myself away from everyone socially, I would sit in my room all day alone. I avoided my family and friends like I possible could.
By the time I turned 14 I was already way underweight. I would skip gym and school swimming so no one would see my body.
I started to have pretty heavy headaches and when it came to my mood I was always pissed, sad and very bitter. I was really sensitive and if some of my friends tried to make some jokes around me I always wonder if he/she were making jokes about me.
My hair started to come easily off, when I would brush my hair some of my hair would come off with it and when I showered there were always strings of hair laying around.
I was always tired and didn't have energy for anything, my skin was really terrible at this time as well I would get terrible rashes and it was always very pale.
I think that when I was 14 that was the most hardest fight I had with this sickness.
I had to be rushed 5 or 6 times to the hospital to get nutrition injected in my vein, because my body was all dried up. I remember how painful it was to get this kind of shot because they had to sting the needles so often in my arm, my veins had started to shrink together since I was didn't eat like I was supposed to. I remember laying there once, I had been in the hospital for about an hour when I could go home, on my way home it hit me that what I was doing to my body was anything but healthy.
When I turned 15 my family, friends and even myself have had enough of this sickness of mine. My mom went to all sort of drug stores to try to find something that would possible make me get some cravings for food. And she found it, it was some sort of vitamins stuff that made me feel so much hunger pain when I got hungry that I forced myself to eat.
My family and friends would watch over me as I ate so I would finish my meal and would take me out to eat all the time. I was no longer allowed to go visit my friends before dinner or during dinner. It was really hard to eat I was so afraid that I would gain weight and get fat but by time I started ignoring that feeling as hard as it was.
When I was alone home my friends and family would call me or try to drop in to give me something to eat or make sure I had eaten for the past hours. I hated it but I knew they were doing this because they loved me and I was so thankful that I had this much support on my back.
When I finished 10th grade I had gained few kilos back and was feeling better both on the inside and outside and I had only been rushed one time in the hospital during my third year fighting which was a real progress comparing to I went 5 or 6 times the year before.
Today I still get the feeling I don't really have to eat or that I'm simple just "not that hungry" but I wish to get better and I wish to reach my average body weight, I'm still 8 kilos below it but I know I can do it. At my worst I was 20 kilos below my average weight and I feel so proud of myself that I've come this far and even though I still have the feelings I might be turning a bit choppy or fat I know it's better to be a little fat or choppy then be to skinny.
As I have my family and friends to support me on this and as long as I believe I can win this I will and I feel like I already have.
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