January 5th, 2010.

Hello anyone,

Alright, so yesterday I mentioned that I was a little nervous about today, I was scheduled to hang out with a boy, ouuu, and it went alright. We met up at our usual place and just talked and joked around for a bit, the usual, then we went to Starbucks and just talked over some hot chocolate and a sugar cookie, quite lovely though the sugar cookie was definitely too sugary for my liking.

We talked about some stuff about my past and he got really worried about me, he always says he's happy but his eyes give him away. I worry about him.

We went to a shoe store and we were looking at shoes for him, though it wasn't that successful because we ended up sitting on the shoe bench and just chatting about random shoes, well done, eh?

The mall we're in, has a roof that's been designed so people can go out there, mostly to smoke or just walk around. And since it's downtown, a lot of the Christmas lights were still up from a couple weeks ago, and I hadn't seen them, so we walked around out there. It didn't take too long for him to wrap his arms around me.

See, yes, this is cute, except for the fact he has a girlfriend, who isn't me. He's already cheated on her, with me, and I do feel terrible, though quite frankly, I rarely make the first move unless he's made it that particular time. We're in deep shit anyways, I know I'll get hurt, but I'm being dumb and going along with it.

So after he wrapped his arms around me, he kissed my cheek and I just about melted, and he went for my lips but stopped himself, saying, "I can't do this to you." So I simply said that I knew that and held onto him. He was really upset, so I said a few goofy things to him because I hate to see him sad, and his adorable smile came back, even in his eyes. Then I told him we had to see the lights which were on the other side of the roof of the building, and we started walking but he wouldn't let go, so we ended up shuffling a few feet holding onto each other and he started goofing around and pretended to drop me, then my back hit a wall. I'm sure he was quite aware of this, sigh.

I'm not a whore, well, theoretically maybe I am, but seeing as how he's the only guy I've ever kissed, the only whorish thing about it is that he's not my boyfriend, but someone else's. I don't regret it. He started kissing my cheeks, nose, forehead and neck and just moved to my lips and then that's just what we did. I asked him if he was going to break up with her, he said he didn't know, he said he might, I feel dirty and happy, how does that work? I feel dirty because I don't know if he's just using me, but I'm happy because, like the song goes, according to him, I'm beautiful. I make him happy, I'm a people pleaser.

-Sigh-. I don't even know what I want, I don't really want advice because I know what I SHOULD do, but I know what I'm capable of doing, and they're not the same thing. Curse being so weak >.<.